First Christmas on the new journey

My kids are excited, they holidays, they have two plus weeks off of school. I am working 24 hours a week now and stable on my days.  It is a good day when I can get up, showered, and dressed before nine am. Why does that matter? When I get dressed or even if I get up at all?  Well that is a thing that people judge your abilities on – what you did that day?  Do you feel accomplished?  I feel lonely, sad, thankful to be alive, guilty that I trusted someone, and tired. So very tired.  There has be to a method to this madness.  I think about informing my father.  What do you tell a man who fought in WWII.  Just turns 92 and still takes himself to work every day?  What do I tell him?  HI Dad, I have HIV, just thought you would like to know. Love your baby girl.  Well that is not going to happen.  I can’t tell him that.  I figure that when you share with people something, anything really, it gives the other person the opportunity to step up. However, with this virus no one is stepping up.  I have told four people so far.. one is supportive, three others do not speak to me any longer.  They look at me like I am a leper.   Cross the street when I am on their side.  I am not telling another person.  The website that one female gave me, lead me to some people to chat to online but there are a lot of people who are looking for physical intimacy because no matter how many people tell you that “you can still be happy, fall in love even with someone who is not positive and have children” they are usually people who are not positive and trust me when you tell someone that you care for that you are positive, even with the knowledge that you can be close without passing on the virus the concept of someone throwing their arms around you and saying “yes I love you without concern” is rare. If not unheard of at this moment in this area.  Seems that positive people avoid the whole concept of dating because who wants to get involved with that and with the declining of the other person.. I love you but I cant be involved with you because you are diseased. Oh Christmas is here, people are showing good tidings and cheer, doing good deeds for the month before they can get back to their old lives. But for now, my kids are happy, well and lovely.  I will get to that point again one day.  A day when I can forgive myself for getting into this situation. For forgiving the person who I trusted that shares responsibility for this situation, to be able to see myself as a person of worth, not a death trap with a monthly habit of 2500$ for medication to keep me alive.  One day this will be okay.. one day.. Christmas miracles..bring them on..

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