Journey – hoop four thousand and forty two

another little dark room, with mood lighting, another hour trip to the north, to see the Ryan White program people. They have to do an intake interview, I have to redo the paper work that I did with the Health Department lady because it did not come through the fax well. Now tell me how did you come to be needing out services? What?  Has everyone gone mad, or is it just me?  Three women over the course of the next three and half hours, all talking to me about how I could still have children, be in love and live a happy fun filled life.. That no matter as long as I make less then ninety three thousand dollars I will still qualify for ADAP which covers the cost of the meds.. The cost.. $2455 a month.  The cost of the medication.. a month. Really.  One combination drug of three meds from two different categories.  Take them every day.  Not only will ADAP pay for the meds, they will pay for the monthly insurance costs, great.  I don’t want to have any more children. I have five beautiful children that I cannot tell that the man they trusted cheated on their mom and gave her this illness that I am more likely to get hit by a bus.. My seven year old, just look at him, the ten year old what about him, the girls.. my god what have I done?  I cannot leave them. I am their mom.  Oh my mind is reeling, still crying, still first think on my mind and last thing on my mind every day.. my ex is like I love you, we can work this out, I am like what the hell but he is the only one I can talk to about this, maybe he is telling the truth, what I need now is not more strive, I need support.  but the struggle continues to be mine alone.  I hug my children and they wonder why I am crying?  I am still alone.  There are over 200 people in my state living with this disease, why can I not even find one other person to talk too?  Why are these women in this dark office speaking to me like I am covered in spots and oozing? Where is God now?

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