Support group

Four months and I make it back to the doctor. He asks if I am having any side effects?  Well yeah, nausea with the vomiting, can’t sleep, can’t eat, very nervous, I had bone pain that was no fun at all, dizzy why yes lets talk about not being able to walk because I am so dizzy.  The doctor asks me if I want to change medication. I am like Hell No!  Do you remember that first thirty days I started this crap it was awful.. lets just wait and see if the medication does what it is suppose to do,run my blood work and lets look at the numbers.  Great a week later my results are in my viral load is very low and my good cells are going up.. yeah team.. I will wait out the medication see if it gets better.  I am too scared to have to start something new and the tapper of this to start the new of that.. oh my god I can’t get that going on again.  While I am here I think I will hit up support group.  I sit in the outer waiting room and I wait.  The lady forgot to check here, I called my friend on the other side of the door, she comes for me and takes me into the group, now I am late.  This group has been going on since the mid eighties.  I was hopeful to find a few females, a couple of straight guys someone that looks like me.  What I learned was that everyone with HIV looks like me.  I go to support group for four months on and off.  In all that time I found one female and she stays for only five minutes and then she is out.  The guys I love them, they listen and they say it will be okay. Maybe you and your ex will work it out.  They share their candy with me.  One day one of the guys doesn’t show up.  This guy let me text him questions about medication, about the journey we are on, he was kind and long term survivor.  I texted him several times, no response.  Nothing, no reply.  The newspaper stated that he died after battling a long illness.  Died.. my age and is gone.  Just like that.. It sends me for a loop.  I am alone in this battle.  There is no excuse now.. I am not sure what to do?  The lady from the group gives me her number I call her up. She says there are websites where you can find dates with other people who have HIV.  That people in our area don’t bother to be brave enough to be tested so just go on the website and look.  I thanked her for her information. Where is that thought that people fall in love and grown old together and learn new things and life is wonderful.  Who will be there for me?  Who will say my name?  what is this stigma that will not go away.  HIV is not defined as a terminal disease any longer.  People live a long time with proper medication management.  Be happy to be alive and that they caught it early I am told.  I sit in my bathroom vomiting and I repeat to myself -be happy, you are alive.  I know there has to be more then just me in this state.  The records state there are at least 300 or more in this state living with this disease.. where are they?  I live in close contact with three other states – where are all the other women that are living with this disease?  why can we not connect?  The women in the dark room with the Ryan White program says that they are working on it, they just can’t give out names and numbers. Here I will sign a HIPPI release form, give my number to whomever wants to talk.  We are working on it, they say.  Well while you are working on it I am thinking of reasons why I should not kill myself.  Of why I am needed on this side of the veil and not on the other side but, you work on it.. am sure it will get done one day..

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