lonesome

online dating is weird to start with.. but with HIV it is a totally weird far out there like Mars thing.  There are websites for people with STD’s, one in general that I saw and was referred to by the one female from support group who was there for ten or less minutes.  And some folks talk to you but in general there is just a bigger bootty call.  Where are the nice guys that want to grow with a female that is kind and loving who happens to have HIV?  I don’t know.  I have a house, two cars, a job or two and  great kids – so where are all the nice guys?  With or without HIV, I guess I have never found one- past or present.. who knows about the future.  All this talk about just do what you have to do in life and don’t look and love falls like magic out of a unicorns ass is just ridiculous. So I have been led to believe now.  People must think they want to put out vibes for a person but I think they are just fishing.. not really interested in being someone morning sunrise.  I find it odd, painful, hurtful at times and depending on how far I lead with my heart just devastating. As if there is anything worse then being alone, it must be being alone and untouchable.  I can’t change, this is now part of who I am, part of who a lot of people are, both world wide and in this country. I was informed yesterday that HIV was not a problem any longer because it was not discussed or heard of much anymore. That if you “just kept clean you would be fine and never get HIV” clean?  Like I wash my socks on a daily basis? Fast two days a week? Shower twice a day? Never think impure thoughts? Clean how? The answer I got was “not gay”.  Well doesn’t that just show you how very little out reach education has done for America.  I was appalled! Former military, educated male and that was what he knew about HIV. There are many folks I have run into in the past eleven months who speak about conspiracy theories about the beginnings of HIV – government plot to take over Africa the fastest by wiping out the population, wipe out all the poor people, or that it is not really a real thing at all and random people are told “look you have this and you should take this medicine” like the Tuskegee Airman.. experiment.  I cannot say for certain what is going on in the world, there are forces beyond my powers and my knowledge but I do know that it is not a kind or loving thing to be ugly to people.  So I can’t change – I am kind and loving, I lead with my heart, I am in a profession that cares for people – heart and soul- I tend for folks how I would want to be tended to and I do not see anything wrong with that approach.  The true value of a life is how much you have touched others’ lives.. the light up smile when you see that person or any person that you understand is someones; child, mother, father, loved one and therefore they are yours as well.  That is what I am looking for in a mate and in a society.  Where has it gone? and Where can I find it?

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