My Tuesday..

This past Tuesday I spent over an hour weeping in my car here in rural America.  The temperature steadily dropping from ten above to whatever is under that, sitting in the dark, in my backyard.  Weeping.  It has been a very difficult year. I went from being able to work overtime hours and providing for my family to be “Medically Cleared” for only 24 hours a week.  From being healthy to being not healthy, from having a potential relationship to having none and no possibility of every having one again. This has not been my best year.  So I was weeping in my car because I am going to go visit a friend, and when I got all the details worked out and all variables covered a comment was made that I was not giving them enough time. That hurt my feelings.  Struggling not to feel alone is as hard as being alone.  And at that moment I felt very much alone.  As I sat weeping, I pondered.. What the hell.. how can just one virus cause so much trouble.. all about trouble.. all trouble all the time.. makes me so mad.. I am a grown female, I have graduate level education degrees, I have a professional licencee, I have children that are healthy, well adjusted and smart..what power is it that this virus has that can cause me to be so upset from one little comment?  That is some powerful energy. Some of that energy I give to the virus, some would say. the power you give to something can make it powerful.  But I am a strong willed female, well traveled across the country and to other countries, I have survived the death of a partner, buried a child, and other things.  Some of this power comes from how the virus is perceived by the public.  The stigma is awful.  If my employer found out I was positive, they would fire me.  As illegal as that is in the written word, it doesn’t matter in the real world.  That piece of paper isn’t going to stop that ignorance.  That type of power I am out to change.  But sitting in my car weeping I was sad.  Who is going to say my name?  When asked who stands for this female? or Who is friends with her? Who is going to say my name?  Who is going to expose themselves to that sort of oppression?  So I wept.  Maybe the social worker is correct and everyone will find love in time and with great joyous rainbows and those damn unicorns.  But so far the three or four folks I have spoken to online or on the phone all agree.  There is a devastatingly isolating effect to this, that keeps folks in hiding.  After all who wants to put themselves out there just to be shot down at a point of trust?  So I wept.. I am a strong willed, kind and loving female with a lot to offer a person in both friendship and in trust but I can’t change.  I can’t change this virus, what it does to me… but I hope for change.  I will work for change..and I will hopefully inspire others to connect and work for change.  So, yes I did weep, and I will most likely have other Tuesdays when I will weep.  But, I will keep working on a better way.. because I can’t change…

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