What the heart wants, it wants.. the trouble with that concept is that two hearts combined do not always want the same thing. No one knows your struggle.. this HIV struggle is not a solitary struggle but people struggle each in their own way. Some folks give it everything they can and work towards better days. Some folks front on their true feelings. and then complain when they are not getting what they think they deserve. I am not sure what is best..perhaps it is to each its own.. like Eeyore has been noted to say “it’s not much of a tail, but I am kind of attached to it.” Perhaps that is what people do. Attached to the struggle and loose sight of all other things.
I am tired of the struggle. What I would give to be dancing to a different tune. But I am not, and I cannot change the outcome I currently have to keep step to. What I am unwilling to do is to let this struggle ruin my life. I am not sure how that will work or what it looks like. I would love to be working in an environment where I can assist others in living healthy lives. I will continue to research how to do that, how best to protect my family and still provide for all their needs.
A pondering for me to figure out.. for now..it is the daily dance that I am dealing with, today I saw a different doctor rather then my PCP as she was off. I had not seen this MD since I had been told of my struggle. I have been throwing up and late last night, several other GI things, so dizzy I fainted into a wall, walking is trying and driving is not possible at the moment. This MD has not ever treated an HIV person so it was a good learning experience for everyone. We spoke of meds and side effects and things I do to get by and the dance of it all, it was a good meeting. Usually when I have med side effects it takes about three days to recover. I will speak with my HIV doc about changing meds but I am not sure what the other ones will be like.. better or worse.. it is a dance I am dancing.
What the heart wants.. it wants..