I love you mom!

Quick as that the girls are out the door, jumping in the car and off to an adventure.  Hopefully home by curfew but what is that all about anyway.  The children remaining in the house are laughing and playing a game or doing homework.  There is music playing but you can still hear the birds and feel the chill from the coming rain storm.  I went to work today to pick up my paycheck, walked in not wearing my uniform, and as in any place where people hang about in uniforms when you show up without one people notice you as if for the first time.  It makes me giggle. There is not a sense of urgency about people and their relationships.  What is going to happen is going to happen is one way of looking at things but, I was brought up being taught that the right man would come one day.  All you have to do is wait.  Now I am much older and I think that is bull. It is also very male dominate and not equal for women. Someone once said to me at a stop sign “if you wait long enough someone will come”  again with the waiting.. geez…  Just live your life and the right person will show up while you are waiting.  My kids dad was killed by a drunk driver when our oldest was just two and half years old.  I waited.. he is still dead..an amazing thing to me was that I could have his kids with the frozen sperm that was now my responsibility.  So I went ahead and lived my life while I waited.  I had kids with the frozen canister that delivered frozen DNA. And I waited. I love my kids more then they will understand and more times then I understand. I have fought for them and sheltered them, protected them and prayed with them, we have stared at the stars, made music on logs in the forest and by the oceans.  There is nothing I would not strive to do for their betterment..just as any parent would. Even to the point of letting them go. My job as a parent is to encourage and develop within them their own brand of excitement with the world. To be able to find that part that makes them smile while they are doing it and then encourage and assist in anyway to get them to that point.  The travels they will have and the adventures that they will take are just beginning.  I want to be there for all those stories and all those tears that come from growth and change.  Diseases, death, zombie attacks these things are not easily predicted or dealt with at times, they change a person and my children have been changed by the deaths they have been dealt.  How are they going to be effected by this disease that their mother has? How has this invader that I can barely deal with going to change my children?  Every parent dies. It is the way of the world, and with any great luck parents do not out live their children. My father is in his 90’s and kicking it still, my mother passed at 85. Generation of people have lived long time in my family.  This comforts kids growing in a single parent home.  The first thing HIV took was that comfort from my kids.  My kids are old enough to drive, they are old enough to have heard of the stories.  The facts about what life looks like with HIV is not clear, no longer are you going to die in ten years if you are and stay in treatment.  I tell my children this news,  what treatment?  This medicine I take everyday just this one pill, this is my only HIV med, well how much does it cost? 2375$ a month.  Mom, we can’t afford to pay the phone bill, how do we pay for medication so expensive? I signed up for a program, it will help.  Kids.  I see them fighting every day to see the same person as their mom was and who she is now.  They are scared.  They can’t help it really and who could blame them.  They cling to their friends who do not understand why they are clinging. I reassure them it is fine, I am fine, it is just different.  The cling to me a bit more but not much because they don’t want me to worry.  They are smart good kids.  My hope now, is that they will hold on to each other, and hold tightly to that bond. It will not matter where each kid goes on their adventures, that idea that the phone could ring and they will be together, or that there is no thought of there not being a bed and room in each of their homes for each of their siblings.  That one kids joyous celebration is a celebration for all, that the struggle of one is the struggle of them all.  Through this definition of family they will be alright, even when it comes time to sing me off. Together they will sing..my hope, my prayer, my plan

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