And a bit taken aback..

As my week progressed I was working and did several long shifts in a row, which as is the case caused me to go to the doctor who wrote me off till Saturday.  Four more days to the months total so far that is seven days lost from work. work lost due to medication side effects.  I spoke with the HIV doctor the 3rd or 5th I have seen and she said “sometimes when you are depressed you throw up more”  and left the room.. I saw my PA this week, my shoulders are sore from vomiting, I am tired of ginger ale and cheerios and she said “I have never heard to depression making you want to throw up”  I said it was an odd thing. I understand that these meds are not very old and are very powerful etc but they do have reactions and lets face it most are GI related. so whoot whoot.. I am now onto soup and not as shaky as the beginning of the week.  I am tired of this merry go round.. doctor says we will see how it goes in four months.. that Is August.. another four months of this great joy.. she did say that just because you feel this way on one combo med does not mean it will be the same on the others, well lets get to it.. I am tired.. I want to live more like I am alive then like I am holding steady, waiting for the next shoe to fall off…In June it will have been a whole year on meds.. I have experienced what it means to be shattered.. and I am still coming to terms with that feeling, emotion and action.. I am shattered.. and now I want to rebuild.. In RENT they say in one shot “How are we going to pay last years rent”  makes me and my girls laugh.. I want to get my broken pieces and hold them together, with supportive peeps.. the lady who lives two doors down who lost her husband the day after my moms died.. she said to me “it is a shame you have not lived here your whole life because you would have reap so much from the community”  Well shit.. I have been here for 15 years already.. served on every board, volunteered on every thing that I could find, taught my kids to do the same, have sat with people who were ill, sick and dying, made more food for people in need, watch kids without care, Why is it that people, good people, find it reasonable to not do anything nice based on how long someone has or has not lived here? Then she told me a story about paying it forward and how she brought some kids some candy so that the smallest one would not cry.  I am very confused.  but contemplative.  People with HIV have the same feelings and concerns that any people have.. and at the core of our beings may not just be HIV but it is woven in that core.. not to be cut out ever.. how do you make it through like that?  How can anyone live while still hiding?  Afraid but involved.. I am on a mixture of PRN drugs to counter the main HIV med.. at the moment it is at a ratio of 1-4.. I want to put those shards back in form.. how to do that is the questions?


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