a week unlike any other…

I work pay check to pay check. This virus that is now living inside of me has wrapped itself about my core DNA and doesn’t want to leave.  I fight against it but somethings can only be pushed so far before they push back.  Monday I gave a lecture to a group of grad students at the local U, my first time outing myself in public..here I am and I have HIV.. I look just like you all do.. I study, I work, I loved, I did the pretesting and here it is.. my relationship is with HIV now.. and it pisses me off.  The group asked some good questions.. like why didn’t the state do anything, we spoke about how under prepared the state is to handle not only the spread but the care of the people now infected.  I got a couple hugs and it was okay.  The professor who I admire a great deal sent me a followup stating that I did start some good points of discussion that at least one of those students would be a MD one day and she might just be making a difference. I was humbled that she thought that.  It would be nice to think I was doing something good in the world.

Wednesday I took my daughter to the place where the Ryan White program is operated from.. my 13 year old daughter. She sat in with the meeting.. and afterwards she said “They don’t seem to be positive”  I asked what she meant she said “they do not act like the have HIV, they act snoddy”  I asked her for an example of the behavior, which is where her 21 year old sister jumped in and said.. “They asked you if you were partnered with anyone and you said No, then they offered you condoms??? Condoms that they know you can not use because of the latex allergy.. they been working on getting a support group together for five months and could not even get a phone tree started.. they didn’t ask you about your needs right now.. besides the condom thing.  then they brushed us out the door.  like they had something better to do then to be proper case managers.

Guess this state is not set up well for good case management.  That was then, this is now.. I am working on moving and have no idea how to pull it off.. the tax refund was fulled by the government for whatever reason.  was released for deposit and then disappeared.. that causes major problems.  I did make a friend in the state that I am planning on moving too.. some organization that is run for + females and their children.  offers diner and play time once a week.  acupuncture and so many other things. the woman on the phone asked me what O wanted them to do for me and I broke out in tears and stated “I don’t want to be alone any more”  I said in the lecture that according to the CDC there were over 30 people living with HIV in my town alone and in over a year I have not seen another one yet?

Well world wide interweb.. I am tired.. so tired.. my body aches, or it’s dizzy and toppling over things, my head hurts too, just to name the few daily symptoms.. people speak about paying it forward and some folks do.. but here is a great opportunity for any and all… single parent with five kids in a state that offers no support for HIV, were kids are bullied and the parent has her hours  because someone is “suspicious”  what is it worth for a family to move to an area where there is better support?  Jobs that will not kill me, jobs for the children, education for the ones still in school, just access to good health care.. to be a productive member of my society I need to be healthy enough to provide.  Does such a place exist?  I believe so.. the question is how to get there.. feel free to send the amount of a night out to us and maybe if everyone who shares this request with two other people and so forth, that moving amount will be there.. daily miracles happen many times a day.. I claim mine now please, for me, my kids, for out safety and sanity.


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