sinking into that dark night

today my daughter of 13 brilliant years was excited at school sign up because she got into Spanish class.  A big deal in middle school for she can take it as high school credit and there was only room for 24 students, only a 1-4 chance that she would get it, no matter the other variables.  but she did, and she is excited, she has pe for half a year as a first period class which I don’t know who thought that would be a good idea but even still she is excited.  in a district that complains of under-funding and cuts art, band, music, and everything else that they can, she got into to the course.  I am very happy for her excitement, she is a very welcome sunshine in my day.  i point this out because i feel very much like i am slipping.  we moved just the other week, and where for ten years we had a stove that had all in one heating units we moved to an electric stove with elements and drip pans you need to clean. she would not have know that. she has never seen one before in her life.  i went to cook something on the stove for supper and they were all smoking.  i worked on explaining it to her but my day has sucked.. and i might not have been the best example.  i went last week and had my blood taken so to see the doc this week.  even with everything else, and going on 18 months on medication that might not be the best for me, and going to discuss options this week, the clinic calls to say that the doc will not be in this week, the earliest they can see me is in six weeks.  i asked about my labs, no one can say at the moment, someone will call me back..great.. i shared with a friend out on the coast and they were horrified.. “don’t they realize that the struggle is devastating and deadly if not treated aggressively.”  hence my desire to move..but that is not going to happen right now so i am struggling with what to do .. my side effects are not good, i can not explain the situation but it is no good. the struggle against one thing for long enough and it causes deep depression.  i think that is where i am.. i cannot sleep, there is this think where the fat on your body rearranges itself which i am experiencing and it is weird.  the constant nausea, the headache the pain in general is not letting go..i have been writing this blog for almost a year, i have been to the this side of the state meeting where they tell us how they are spending our money, and have searched but as of yet i have found only one other person with this struggle an hour away from me and since i refused to come and have dinner naked with him he now refuses to speak with me.  i am tired, so very tired.  i am and have always been an independent hard working female, assisting whomever needs assistance and enjoying all that it is to breathe.  i am struggling to redefine that person with the limitations at this moment and it is not looking good.  still i continue on with the struggle.. my kids they are wonderful, they smile, they laugh, they are smart, some play too many video games and don’t read enough some read too much and don’t do their chores… but if it wasn’t for them i would have been long grieves me a great deal to think that they have to live through this redefining and that i am not being very successful at the moment, my youngest birthdays are coming up and i want to take them to the pool to swim or to the movie or to someplace to see the stars, for them to have the same mom that their older siblings had but, it is not the case.. i need to figure that out and plan accordingly but i am not sure how.. and not sure what is the best path.. i will not go quietly into that good night but, i am also not able to make a large amount of noise. where is that angel when you need them?


Thank you for sharing below.

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