the struggle is not without a few happy moments

Four of my children have birthdays in a 12 day period this month,  Watching them grow and find out new things has been the most wonderful thing every.  They know more and more then I ever will.  It is amazing.  These moments keep me going.  Today I got a call from the person who started this long painful road.  Funny that I had dream last night about him.. then there he was on the phone.. I am not yours any longer.. forgiveness.. yes.. that makes me okay but not yours…

It was a short exchange, and I am better for that. When I read stories about how people killed themselves or got arrested for pimping.. They always say something like I was just lonesome and wanted to be with someone. That I understand.  Everyone wants to just be with someone.. that is what life is suppose to be, what it is taught to us as being.. but I am not there.. I read a book “how to spot a dangerous man before getting involved and it made me laugh.. I know all those types and having only dated twice that doesn’t say much for me.. perhaps if there was a bunch of people who cared it would be different.. but there are not.. +people hide and do not go looking for others.. even on websites they are fearful of posting a picture because what if the other person isn’t really + and just creating a registry of folks who are so that some hate group can wipe them out one by one…a bit conspiracy bent but you have to admit there is some fear in the truth.. to that end I am just alone.

Smiling with my kids as they learn and grow.. for today at least I will remain positive.. in a good way

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