and so it goes.. and so it went

My whole life has been turned upside down for over however long it has been.  It had been four days since I saw the doctor and I started throwing up and such.. four days this week I spend unable to tend much for myself and little for the kids.  Monday was my only good day.  I had updated my casemanger daily and on Thursday I called to say I could get up today but, I haven’t eatten anything since Tuesday but hey, I felt a bit better.  So he called me back, said the nurse wanted to speak with me.  So she asked me if I have been getting this sick as I have been on the medication for a long time and it just doesn’t seem right to be so sick..well do you think.. we talked about how there was a change of doctors, and a stopping of this med to see if the side effects would get anybetter, there are the lets wait till next blood work to see if anything is improving.. type thing.. so the next time again for bloodwork is not until December right before the holidays.  I have started to write things down in a journal.. when I wake up, the dreams if they suck or just blah, the GI stuff, the headaches, the dizziness, the all the rest of the stuff.. The nurse was going to send a note to the team, and if you don’t hear back from them by noon tomorrow you call your casemanager back.. okay then.. well they didn’t call.  It was Friday, I felt a bit better, I feel tired of being ill, but I had things to do, diapers for the grandbaby, kids to get from school and work, shopping for paper products, and tidying up the house and had to wash the winter blankets so they could be put on the bed.. it is colder now and since there is no job in this house there is no money to pay for heat so I didn’t turn the heater on.  There are programs for low income engery assistance, filled out the application four weeks ago and set it off, have not heard anything as of yet.  That is a different story.

My daughter said to me, there must be something that each of us can do to improve the family situation. Was like hearing my own words come at me.  So I listened to her speak about how there was so much potential with people meaning her baby daddy and that it was difficult to thing that we are stuggling -at the time there were only two diapers in the house.. and baby daddy has been out promising to make money for the last four weeks but has come back empty and causing more debt.  She is frustrated with him.. I sigh..

I had an interview on Monday and it was the third one and it was interesting that she phoned me back and asked me a bunch of questions.  She really wants to hire me but I have to go on a tour of the facility first.  Which is 1000 miles away.. well in the current financial situation there is not much I can do to get there…there is this false hope, my sister who doesn’t wish to speak about my illness or my dying, sent me an email Tuesday right after I took ill to ask me if “we were financially stable yet”  what the hell did she think was going to happen??? The cars have not been paid for and are on the verge of being repoed, the security deposit has not been paid yet, the electric bill is over due again.. I tend to six other humans in the world.. only one has a job and her hours have been cut but another student, and that child goes to college so she is doing her thing and being a helpful familly member.  The other daughter has her SSI but that is to tend to her needs and it is a small amount  to start with and is gone by the 3rd of the month just to cover her and the babies needs.  The other three kids are in little school, there job is to do their homework and chores and to assist one an other and that is good.

I need to reinvent myself..some how I need to find something that I could do that would not make me ill, and that I could make enough money to support my family..how to do that?? IDK.. am still stuck as my positive meditation looks like me laying down and letting the blood run out of my veins.. in the before time we were taught that emotional pain is hard to express and that is why people cut themselves.. I understand that.. but I am running out of ideas, time and I don’t have any money anyway.. the best job I could hope for with really good benefits is a 1000+ miles away and I just now what to do.. my family like my sisters and brother are either not interested in anything that has to do with me, or cannot handle the idea that me dying before them is even possible.  There is no home to go home to.. there is only myself and my children.. and they do need me..just how I am going to do anything about that, I do not know.  I really don’t.  I have pain today and I am too scared to take my medication because I don’t want to throw up again. My youngest son wants a scooter or a bike to ride around outside with his brother.  The youngest one doesn’t know how to swim yet and that is just not right.  There are snow boots, and gloves and crap that comes with the change of seasons when that change means snow up to your knees and wind the freezes your feet off..I am hanging on.  Always have I been able to do everything and do it well.. now I feel like I am just not.. and I am unsure how to deal.  My daughter does read this post, and then it dawned on me, that she lives with me, she watches me work on vomiting so no one will see me, washing the vomit out of my hair, she sees me move with a smile on my face but pain in my step and she knows.. she understands that I am scared.. and I feel so very alone.  Insert all the PC comments here about how there are so many HIV+ people in the world and even in your community and how it is not the worst thing like it used to be and I will show you a person who is not HIV+, employed without fear and able to date without concern..

All I want is to have a good job and support my family.. if at all possible I would like someone to lava me too but I suppose that is why I have such good blankets on my bed.. to keep the cold at bay.. I watched the parade today and it was a pretty awful example of a parade that I have been to for 15 years this one was the worse I have seen.  Maybe it was the frowns on the bands, perhaps it was our U band lines that were not straight due to intoxication, perhaps it was the walmart float that looked like it was made on my budget and only had one person on it.  This is a major event every year, brings so much money into town it is just stupid.. and Wal-mart is here all the time to take our money and use it for their good but when it comes to parade pride they sucked.. and it does matter.  A major part of our community and that is all they think of us..the other store in town had an awesome float.. am done for now..I have a weekend with my kids and grandchild and I need to tend to them.  They are doing such a good job .. I am very proud of them.  hopefully they are the same to me…

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