perhaps a rainy day

today is an other rainy day, I believe it has been 9 years since my stepfather past away. Seems like such a long time ago but it seems like yesterday. My youngest son had not been conceived yet, I was not in this disease state that I am now, and I was still in school I think. There is no real way to describe having HIV. It just doesn’t work. Yesterday my therapist asked me if I was upset over my lifestyle.. What the hell.. I have no life style.. I have kids and I have HIV.. I have a dead partner from years gone by and then after two decades when I decide to date I get HIV. My health drops, my family stops talking to me and then dies off in strange fashion, I can no longer work in the field I was trained in or at least in the area of that field. I cant do much but tend to myself and my children. There is no support net for adults with HIV that are not gay. There has just been a longer time for those who are gay to set up support systems and that is just that. There is no one and nothing to come to my side for support.. The Catholic church has been helpful around the holidays, when people need to be helpful so God wont be mad at them. Now it is almost May and we have no food stamps and no food, no potty paper no diapers. no real helpful scores for assistance. I wrote Ryan Whites mother last night thought I would start a support group non profit called friends of Ryan, wanted her to be supportive…looking into non profit status, perhaps that will be a start of something beautiful…killing myself is still not a path… but I understand it..


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