alone in the struggle

When I started this blog I thought it would be a great way to reach others in my situation. Well It has been about two years now and I have not heard from anyone. There are stats as to how many people are living with HIV in my area and evening farther from me but no one speaks of it. This is not a solidary struggle, there are numbers of people living with HIV or AIDS just that no one speaks about it.. everyone is in hiding. I am in this town and it is small. I don’t see people outside like I did with other places I have lived. While the college kids go hone it is like a ghost town. If your grandparents grandparents didn’t grow up here you will never be a really town person. Sixteen years I have been here. I have gone to school, volunteered in my community, my children have volunteered and I have worked as a professional in this area. Still that does not seem to be enough. My neighbor lady said to me when her husband died the day after my mother died that it was a shame that I did not grow up in this town because then when my mother died there would have been an outpouring of support and I would not feel so sad. That being said, it is not for the loss of my mother that I am sad in this little town, it is the lack of support jobs and such for myself and for my children. One child has gone out west, there is work there.. one child will be going out east come the fall as there are better schools there for her degree program and less expensive. That leaves me in the middle with four small ones. I am not sure that I can work much any more but, I think about it and search for opportunities. Perhaps with retraining and such maybe there would be something that I could do.. I am tired.. and waiting upon disability for almost a year now to find in my favor is taxing my spirit. Bankruptcy is still ongoing and it is also taxing. I am grateful for the assistance that myself and my family have received during this difficult time of sorrows but, I cannot live in limbo and unknown.. I want nothing more then to be able to work at some task within my profession and make enough money to support my children through school and into adulthood. I understand that they watch TV and see people with many pairs of shoes in rooms bigger then their bedrooms and I am at a loss to explain t them how some people are just not focused on anyone but themselves, and that is what it is… So many people in world need some kind of assistance and if I had the means I would be of assistance and I have been in the past.. I once informed my mother that I did not believe that God would bring me all this way to just let me down.. now I am questioning just what I was thinking. The things I need in the world are not much.. keep your rooms full of shoes just do not limit me to being an outcast.. I do not want to be alone..

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