a friend of mine said she mentioned my blog and situation on a facebook post, thinking that it would be nice if more people were aware of the things that people face. I have to say I am not sure what to think.. This weekend has been a reminder that I am physically unable to do what I use to do, that just to be able to control my pooing is not up to me much any more. Last night I didn’t even look at the clock when I finally decided to take a prn dose of meds so that I could sleep.. it was already near dawn as I heard the birds. Then I slept till 1245pm which was not helpful when there is a house full of kids you care about and love dearly. I was having a terrible night mare and when I work up I could here that night mare person screaming in my room at me.. on the verge of awake and asleep and I was scared.. it is dishearten. and I am ashamed that I cannot express this difficulties to anyone.. perhaps my therapist but who wants to inform their therapist that you spent the week end remembering that killing yourself would not be the best answer. Points for self disclosures no points for helpful or kindness.. I need assistance. But how am I going to do it is what my sister says.. well hell if I know.. I am thankful for the past year of assistance from all over while I have been out of work and waiting on disability. there has been times when things didn’t look good but somehow we made it through. so that is a great thing. now there is change in the house.. people going places and doing things and I can not be the one to manage everything.. To keep myself healthy I have to do certain things.. and I don’t know if I can get them done as I informed my daughter today about the lack of sleep and so forth.. I have to go see the doctor next month.. don’t want to, cant stand the repeat of lets do nothing. Then NPR places the piece on the Times reporter who had AIDS in the early 90 and I think fuck… I am just screwed…and not in a good way.. at the moment I am going to go assist my kids and get them to bed.. and then perhaps something will happen.. They talked on NPR about Magic Johnson and now there is no Magic he said.. but how much more support does he have and the money to back it up, he assists people it is true.. leadership and such…and he is only one man and such but I am not sure what I am going to do.. on welfare, unable to get a job because no one wants a diseased healthcare provider, no income from my basketball career, I could write a book but where would I start. ??? things are not right in Denmark and they suck pretty much here too..