Some days it is like that

Some days it is like you just want to kill yourself. for all the talk about the stigma of HIV no one really knows unless you have it. then you find out that everyone else who has it is hiding. Evening dating websites set up for people with HIV are trolled by those who do not have the disease so they can cause harm to us that do. Stalked by ignorance, hated by fear. There is a Psalms that says I will say your name.. or something like that.. is it too much to ask that people see that I am the same kind and loving person that I was before? IT might be, I never wanted to kill myself so much, like I do now. Sometimes I get so angry and I want to disappear and be a whore and sleep with everyone.. just like that guy who gave me this.. HIV the new terrorist weapon.. but that is not me.. neither is killing myself but it is tempting.no one cares about the pain in my back, wrist, legs..joint pain that is not from a joint…dizziness, vomiting, anal tears from the explosive poop..the idea that I cant make it to PT due to illness.. there is just no reason for me to be about. the psychologist asked me if I enjoyed doing anything anymore and I wept.. what am I suppose to say.. yes I do sure enjoy having tears in my butt, not having the energy to take my kids to the park. Not having any friends, or a job or income, or anything to look forward too.. I supper duper enjoy the not being able to sleep, the night terrors, the sight sweats, the basic crap that makes this dance now undanceable. All the long term survivors I give you props, at least there is a path.. The highest level threat is with gay black men in the south so lots of talk there for what to do, but for women infected by men you are hell on your own. There are no support groups, no organizations set up, no financial assistance programs… just starkers’ looking to kill a few whores.. so yes today is an awful day.. nothing to assist with the sadness, just more sadness and fear, and possible death

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