Moving on

This morning was rough. I was so tired and the vomiting from last night really makes me tired. I forgot that it was Tuesday that mean that I had a good day yesterday but it was sandwiched between tough days. I have been thinking about the options and on good days I am feeling like life is okay then on difficult days it is the worse. If anyone found out in my small town that I was positive for HIV it would suck. Never mind the lack of services for HIV people but just think about the fear and stigma that would lash out to the kids. This is very difficult, day I am not even sure what is the best thing to do. Holidays are rough. There is no one here to talk to, it is wrong to have to explain to my children, the older ones that are aware, how ill I have been and that is why there is more wash or just not me being there due to the fatigue. The depression is not getting any better…There is not much I can do to make things better. I am frustrated..with the changes with the incoming administration brings more fears, the medication itself is going up to 3000$ a month, I cant afford that, the masses in my neck, lungs, spine would place me out of insurance..which means an increase in symptoms and if I am not dead in four years I would b very ill..
HIV isn’t a walk in the park, it is complicated, dangerous, confusing and ot well supported. this is where fear comes in..

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