This week I had a total GI series, it is not a fun activity. There is no good answer to why people want to stick tubes down your mouth and up from the other end. But it is my job to keep myself alive, as much as that might pain me most all the time, it is my job and it is for my children that I am working so hard on keeping it together but, at times it is more then just difficult, it is amazingly close to impossible.
All my children were hope this week-end and it was lovely but I can hardly get the day together for the way to go. Kids have a lot of energy and are a bunch of blessings and I cry when I think of how lucky I am to have such great kids! And I pray that I will have the means to continue to support them! I think of so many things that go on, the I have to deal with and blood work is wrong and cutting things out of my neck or lung or spine it is stressful and I am struggling to get to the point that I am somewhere I can afford to live. I think that all my family that have died are watching from the spirit world. That they are praying and pulling things I don’t know what you do in the spirit world to make things work together so that good change comes our way, that a sense of community and a sense of self worth and financial success shows up in great and pleasing ways. I just love to think about how many people who loved me have died and I get said but I also hope they are working on assisting in making my way through this mess..I really don’t want to have HIV, I really am very angry and very just on edge and soon it will be three years since I found out.. Three years and I still can’t find a good doctor, afford to go to the clinic that is an hour away, three years of fear three years and it is just the beginning of a life time.. I am very frightened all the time… but my children are a blessing..