Last night in had the strangest dream…

Last night sucked, I had hoped to go to the play but had not been asked, seems all the people I live with think I have nothing to do but stay home and tend to my Mamie duties.  HIV makes sleep difficult and when it does come it is often with  terrors, last night was no exception.  When I was closing my eyes I could only see a bright white light.  thought great, I am going to die and my baby child will find my cold dead body, so much for his happily ever after.  I was one an airplane strapped in next to my mother who is dead. Also in attendance were my mother in law, my great uncle c, my sister in law, my son, all dead as well some for many years as is the case with my brother, also present.

My mom was speaking to me about how sorry she was that she didn’t understand the full cruelty of my older brother.  She apologized for letting him trick her into moving from this place where she had been happy with us.  She had wanted him to be happy but when he sold her house while she was away she realized that she could never do anything to make him happy and that she had ultimately failed me, her youngest daughter.  At which point my mother in law spoke up and said what where you thinking, that girl has worked hard for everything she has and when you moved to town she dropped everything to tend to your every need and you repaid her by shutting her out and turning your back on her and those grandchildren she gave you.  You remember the ones that flew alone to keep you company before you even moved here. Now that she is dying and unable to provide as she would like you think an apology is going to make a difference?”

People cannot make other people happy I said, you did what you did because you wanted to please your son, thinking that for any reason that his controlling ways would change and roses would reappear where once he had cut them done was your mistake.  I am struggling but I have hopes, some days.  At that moment the man who intentionally infected me had pulled me off the plane and I was at work, patience where fighting and this man had vials of his blood and he was stabbing me and laughing, then he rain off to stab other people wit his needles.  I tried to chase after him but was unable to move as one of the residence was being violent and I started to scream and scream but he just laughter.  He picked people that I knew and trapped them from out of air and gave them an injection. He killed so many people and left their bodies in a heap,

Next I was waking up, unable to breathe, stuck to the bed, didn’t know where I was.  A new day is a starting, I feel sick, already threw up a few times so that’s working out the system.  And I have no idea what I can do to get from this place to the one I want to be at?


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