Days like these

there are things ties to this disease that are funny.  Bone deep fatigue that causes such a struggle that getting out of bed is impossible.  Mixed with the night terrors and throw in the sweat for the best time ever.  So I got up at three am because I thought I heard the door open.  After checking the house and everyone in it it was sleep one me zero.  Then I got up in the morning did the breakfast dishes and chatted with all the children, assisted with some homework, had plans to watch a classic movie in the afternoon, when a small child needed a nap.  In was assisting in that when I feel asleep.  Sox hours later of tossing and turning and fear and heart rates and screams and waking up just enough to try to get across the bed only to fall back sleep was the rest of my morning and afternoon.  Till a child came in to check on me, said I was tossing soo much, how awful do I fell to have let my child see me like that, they brought me a drink and I managed to get up.  I had to lay down for a moment as I could hear my heart beat out my ears.  In was confused and disoriented, covered in sweat but my hands and feet where so cold.  I didn’t know what the dreams where real and had to go over what was going on to reorientation myself and my place in the universe.  I wrapped up in a blanket for an hour before I could continue my day.  Dreams two,,, sleep still zero..
Someone once said that it is not the crosses that wear you down but the day to day things.  What happens when everyday is a crisis?  How long does it take to realize that your heart rate should not be that high?  I am uncertain what happens next but, I pray that it gets better.  Three years doctors have been saying it will get better but, it has not.  If I stay on the medication I might live, if I go off the medication in will died.I need to be able to function, not just live in crisis. Because it is wearing me down.

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