People are always asking if I am going to kill myself – part 1

Are you going to kill yourself? Are you thinking about hurting yourself? People ask the wrong questions sometimes. Once there was a song that went like this “Don’t kill yourself on the holidays cus that’s just too cliche. If you have to off yourself, catch your friends off guard in May” It had moxie and a few good points. I prefer the quote from wise person I would love to meet and hug, when it was said “the great thing about suicide is that there is no sell by date” Basically you could do it whenever and never be late. My mother would have liked that for sure. Anyway, Having HIV puts people in the mood of killing themselves and possibly a few others. I do not condone violence, I believe that what we put out into the universe will return to us in many folds. Just that the universe is a large place and sometimes it takes a minute to come around again. Back on point, lots of HIV positive people kill themselves. Think about it for a moment. Find out you have a disease that will kill you, now it will just take a little longer and it will make you sick most of the time. People who disclose that they are HIV positive are also more likely to be killed by the person they are disclosing their status too. So can’t tell anyone. Family tends to disown you. As a parent I was always moved by the documentary on The LDS church when the mother informed the father that their son was gay and too scared to tell him and the dad pulled the car over and the mother asked what are you doing and the dad said “I don’t want our son to go another minute thinking that there was ever a way that we would not love him totally” something like that, made me weep. That didn’t happen in my family so it is different all around the world I guess. Wonder if that LDS dad is adopting? Back to point, suicide and being killed, it happens. But, it doesn’t or hopefully won’t happen with me. One because I don’t inform anyone and two I am already dead inside. Think about a person in a full coma, laying in bed all day and night, closer to death then not..that is close to living with HIV. There are no friends anymore, people are frightened about what they can get from you. I have to protect my children from the rude comments and ignorant crap kids say to other kids. “Hey, you know what AIDS stands for jerk? Ass infected don’t screw!” “HIV means that your mother is a whore, like in the Bible, and that is what stones were made for – Stone the Whore, Stone the Whore!” Kids, they can be so cute sometimes.. and it is not really them but where they get their information about being kind and loving people and what is and is not proper.
Back to point again – Panic attacks are horrible things – a person cannot breathe, there is pain like dying, it radiates around your should to your back, you are shaking, and all in all it is a bad day. So you call your therapist who says to you “What’s you going to do? & Are you suicidal? A great and helpful use of telephone therapy. NO Bitch! I am already dead! The helpful information, call me if you need something and make sure you update your doctor. So I call up the doctor and leave a message – hey it’s me, having a panic attack, just saying, oh they have to call back sure I will be here. The returning phone call – having you taking the Ativan – yup – when – 30 minutes ago, okay wait another 30 minutes and then call us if no better but you should call your therapist. Funny she said that I should call you!

Left to my own devices I figured it out myself..but I still have radiating pain, shoulder and back. Hum.. see where that goes..
So the question that providers want to ask is not are you going to kill yourself – it is not a good question and just pisses people off, but perhaps – do you have a plan, well hell yes! When I get to the point where I cannot take the pain, and the frustration, the things that this disease is doing to my body, well yes then I have a plan. However, right now I am fighting with everything I have to not die, the only good thing that would come from that is that it would upset my not so kind and loving landlord that he would have to disclose that someone died in the house before renting it out! How much that would be a giggle. but for now, I am not suicidal while having a panic attack – uneducated person please – I am not at the moment capable of breathing – that could be a bigger problem.
So the medication starts to kick in, the guided peaceful place thinking is used, and after a few hours I call the doctor up again to say I can breath but the radiating pain is still present.
Back to point – if you think HIV is no longer a problem – you are wrong! There are people that you know struggling everyday, alone. I need assistance, and maybe you can’t assist me with money but maybe there are other things you could do. And not only for me but for others living this struggle.. a hug or two, before they end up dead inside, like me. Feel like that movie about Zombies that returned to being people again if people would just be nice to them. I am that Zombie, dead inside, waiting for that hug, smile, my life to return or find a new one… I am in my healthcare training but patient contact – I would not want anyone to have to go through what I am going through.. intentionally being infected because, how does one kiss their whole life good bye? And not want to kill themselves?

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