I have been on and off bad all weekend.. the nausea, vomiting the not sleeping the pain has been so off the charts this weekend I have wept nonstop for a day and then some. Now the weather is snowing again and the deadness I feel inside has taken a moment to develop into anger. Anger not just at this HIV and at ABC and their deep pockets for love and ball room dancing but Anger for my local community, which I love and struggle to support and build. How can the local food bank send home food that is expired for two months, the backpack program sending home outdated pasta that is suppose to be in the freezer or fridge that is two months past their sell by date. When I was able I worked in the food bank, raised money for food programs, paid things that no one knows about and that is how it should be.. So now I am suffering, deeply suffering from a disease that isolates me from others due to fear, that takes all my energy and dashes to the rocks below and turns to spit on me. But my community, that I love.. I watched the younger ones post snapchats of their rave nights so drunk, spending all that money on drugs and alcohol. I do not want to say that folks do not have the right to buy things and have nice things but it is like Jesus said in this lectures.. Treat each others how you want to be treated.. love each others as I have loved you! That man/god loved us to the point where He is the only family some people know and then died for everyone who believes.. so why is it so hard for one community to look upon the ones in need, and not just me and my family, there are homeless right here in this town, there are others that have no heat, no food, no friendship.. That little girl is working to make a difference. She works so hard, she is going to start sending fund raising letters and such. Most of the community can rely in times of dire straights on the United Way and that is a wonderful thing that we give to but, the people who struggle with HIV stand alone in a group, alone in a community and alone in so much.. Last night I had a drink from a fast food store and the straw cut my lip because I tripped and I bled on the straw and drink but it was the wrong drink, it was my childs’ and I threw it out! I lied to her and said I drank it because I didn’t want her to be worried about her mom freaking out about something that isn’t true.. See stigma lives in the families that struggle with HIV as well. I am terrified that I could do the wrong thing and then what.. but science says that if a person is on medication and has an undetectable status they cannot transmit the virus to anyone through any type of contact. That is not going to stop me from throwing out the drink and bleeding in the bathroom till it stops…That girls she is raising money for other families not ours but she has honored me with the idea that she should start the fund raising and for that I will work as hard as I can to assist her in meeting her goal. So figure out how much you all spend on alcohol in a week or a month or for Forty days and donate it this girl so she can meet her cause! Think about loving that person that you don’t see much anymore and wondered what happened? That person is at home and hiding because they are scared, frightened, dead inside and just wishing somebody would show up with some understanding and a good long hug! Make it happen people! Love like heaven loves you, love your struggling neighbor!