Killing myself – Part IX – the end

When some folks are in pain all the time physical or emotional pain, they do things to try to get the pain our. Cutting is very popular in the majority cultural I have noticed. I cannot say that I have not thought about the idea of look slashing dripping blood out of my body and taking the pain with it but, you know that is what suicide is – watching the blood leave your body till you feel no more pain – then you are dead. Being dead is not my goal. I am going to die one day, we all will. But causing that to happen to me by my own actions is not something I can do, not right now. I work around the pain, I struggle with the pain, I struggle with the idea that half the time I am a drugged out adult but the other part I am an in pain adult..
I said to my daughter today that I ruined everyone’s’ life but getting HIV. That child disagreed. But I at this moment believe that I have ruined their lives. I have lead a good heaven following life and bad shit happens to good people.. suck it up.. but life is not that way is it? Going to the food bank to get expired food, like feeding a poor family is already dead so what does it matter if it is fresh? I get so tired so easily. And the pain doesn’t stop.. it is there making everything else seem worse.. the cleaning of the kitchen, the kids that is ill, the bills that I cannot cover, the summer camps that nobody can afford to go to, the incontinence that comes with this is very hard for me because pooping your pants is a true loss of self ability. I am struggling every day to make up for a mistake that was not mind but feels like I should be, I am shamed and alone. Dead inside is hard. A laughter fulled house like my soul, is what I have always had,and what I always want. Heaven help me.. blessed this group and keep us safe


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