Still sucking

So I have spent two weeks with the nausea and vomiting and the constant going to the potty to sit and have the most poop in the world fly out of me!! Everything freaking time I eat I have to go to the bathroom in like ten minutes and then for every twenty minutes after that.. I don’t feel like it is exciting to be a live, and my PTSD is getting worse at the night time as I think everything is trying to kill me. I am very stressed and not into the idea of methadone for treatment of pain.. this messed up treatment of pain for people who have pain makes it impossible to be treated for pain by your doctor.. I haven’t taken any pain meds this day and am sure my blood pressure is freaked out.. I am also so very distressed at how people are swearing all over twitter and facebook and in public forum! What happened to the kind and loving of people.. hugs not shooting people.. it is just so jumping the shark..
I am tired of being tired.. I would like to be able to walk without pain, I would really like to not be worried about money, and when I say worried about money it is not like I don’t know everyone worries about money, it is that I have zero money and that means none.. none.. none.. and I would really like to be able to afford the co-pay for the meds that keep me alive but so sick.. maybe it is just the weather and once it sorts itself out it will be better? Maybe it is the lack of sleep and getting up all the hours of the day and night? Maybe it is just because I hate this trip.. and it is a noble thing to say it is just a new thing one has to learn to dance with but HIV is a crap… it is not important enough any longer to be in the public eye but it is not going away.. because more gay men are dying it is not as important as erectile dysfunction!! But it is crap.. I call out Charlie Sheen and his crap!!! Amazing how he can afford all that blackmail money, then admit to having HIV then go from cocktail to once a week trail three shot.. much be nice to be white privileged.. If you had any sense of compassion you would spend equal funds to small organizations that are working to make rural life doable for people with HIV!!! Instead of being an ass!! I am apologetic to the donkey! But There is no reason whey there should be such a social economic gap between poor folks with HIV and rich ones.. and I am not hating on the ability to raise a career before getting HIV but there are some of us who can’t work or can’t find employment or for whom their lives were just starting to make money for their family when it was snatch away!! and I have no choice at the moment but await a slow government who can’t keep their documents straight and wait. It is not fair to my family, those kids who are old enough to work should not be shouldering the hardest cost on their shoulders because some guy decided to infect as many people as possible… I am so mad!!!! And it doesn’t do anything for me!! if anyone hasn’t read Body Counts you should.. It talks about a great many things but there is a deal about how a sister is an important part of someones live and it made me weep.. weep hard.. for a family of origin that doesn’t exist in my world…. this was a week that made it hard to think that being alive was worth more then my insurance payout..

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