Then I went to therapy…

There is this treatment called EDRA or something close to that.. that the VA trains all their therapists in.. so my therapist is also so trained. I watched a movie and she read me the little blip that has to be read and the premise that that you think of a picture in your mind, a trigger of sorts, and focus on that while these lights, sounds buzzing etc goes off all around you. This is to cause your brain that can shut down during a traumatic event to reprocess the event and let it go… Magic.. right.. I don’t know, we haven’t started yet but people on the tape were like yeah now I can be happy.. after seven years of blowing up my best friend in the army… or whatever.. it seems to have promise. So she asked me about a trigger and I said the first one, that is right- there are always more then one, the first one was the car that he drove. I wanted to be able to see that car and not have any new feelings about it.. seems simple enough. But therapy, never that easy, then she asked me what I feel when I see that car… well SHIT what do you think I feel.. I feel like he is coming after me.. like he is coming to get me, like all this crap I have to deal with that he caused is just something that he knows I deserve for some reason and he is coming to kill me, finish me off.. as the disease and a slow and painful death wasn’t enough. Well isn’t that enough to make you all weep in the therapist office. The truth is that I don’t think I am worth the time to survive. For some reason and logically as a healthcare provider I understand this at some level, that this is not my fault. But on every other level, I don’t believe that! I did everything I was suppose to do, brave and honest, thought I was in a relationship with just one guy, clean blood tests, building a house and a future. Four years later, he disappears, his wife in Maryland is trying to divorce him since he disappeared four years earlier and the women who just had a baby with him is looking at me like I am nutty, had the nerve to ask me if we were swingers! Which I am sure is a lovely thing for people who choose to do that but, I was living an apparent lie. And for that lie I am not stricken with the worse there is to be stricken with, all my money stolen and gone out of the country, no house, and a list of people who call looking for him because I the phone number he left for all the others. I wondered about that for a moment.. was that like a to taunt me? Or did he think I was going to be able to assist all the people who called to say they are now facing the same lie I was living? I don’t know but I changed my phone number after the fourth male came to me to talk about where his lover was. It is hard enough to find out that the man you are living with has a girlfriend but to find out that he has lots of one night and sometime longer nights stands with men and you begin to wonder what worth do you really have. I admitted to my therapist that there were days when I wanted to go to the nearest city and just disappear on the streets, live on the streets until it kills me because why not? This is not helping. I am stuck in the middle of dying and working really hard not to be dying. And we have all learned that people don’t care about people with HIV because if they did I would have a job or someone would have funded that young lady who just wanted to make a difference in her community. Now the federal government is coming after us. I am not the only person with HIV on medicaid. When the federal government allows the states to deny coverage to poor disable pre-existing conditions what do they think will happen? When we are no longer on our medication that keep us alive but also unable to pass the virus on to others.. what do they think is going to happen? Does the Republican Senate think we are going to just go silently into that good night? I doubt other people will see it that way.. you sign the death warrant for so many people you will create a threat. What is a person that has no hope left but, a threat.. a threat caused by a community, government or President that didn’t have the thought or time to care about anyone but the wealthy few.. This will cause a return of the epidemic and not by innocent unknowing but by the few knowing and cunning enough to get close to those in the government to wipe they out, slowly with the same disease they caused to explode by limiting funding for a cure and cutting others dead by denying them insurance. Heaven Help Us All

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