Just a sad day…

In therapy there is a treatment for PTSD where flashing lights, beeping in your ears, and buzzing in your hands happens as you focus on an imagine that is a trigger for your PTSD. So yesterday was my first time, work and such as we know it is a funny thing where your brain is concerned. So I focused on an imagine that scares the hell out of me.. and think about how this trigger can never hurt me again. But how does that work? Buzz buzz beep beep.. I find myself running and looking for places to hide in my mind from this man who is trying his level best to kill me. I look to see if I can protect my children or my grandchild, just then the therapist asked me what does that women need how is she using her power? What power? The women in my mind beep beep beep buzz buzz is me and I do not have the resources to protect myself or my family from this man or from this disease that he knowingly gave me that is killing me, and killing my family. I moved, I changed my phone number, I changed my Facebook and locked it to outside people, changed my email, blocked whatever email he was using, wrote a letter to Homeland Security who never wrote me back, thank you government department but, BUT, even still I have received mail at my new address for him, people call me looking for him at my new number, text messages, international calls that are always hang ups. I do not have the power or the resources to keep me safe or to keep my family safe. When will that become understandable by the masses? Or am I doomed to be another stat when he finally catches up with me? Don’t get me wrong, I work really hard to keep safe and I believe that I have power to lock the door. But we all know that a restraining order is just a piece of paper that is left bloody on the floor, especially in a male dominated police small town rural town. I really need to move. Start over again in a place where nobody would know him and that would be something. Because if he is seen as a stranger then it is much less likely that he would succeed in killing me. BUT again buzz buzz beep beep flash flash.. to move a person needs resources or an established underground railroad of a type. Heaven Help Me please!!
I don’t want to die here. Help my children survive this crazy man who is working so hard to get back to this town to kill me… a lot quicker this time then just infecting me with HIV.. beep beep buzz buzz..


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