It is a hot day here, no rain in site, drought for the state and my house. I had a filter on the facet but it broke so i have to use bottle water distilled until I can afford a new one. Safety first, do you know what is in the water around here? Gezz. the rain is not coming right now. I repaired my childs’ shoes yesterday with gorilla tape so now they are all silver and water proof and not broken.
I am so tired world.. tired, frustrated, alone, in pain, can’t breathe, can’t breathe right, can’t remember stuff.. and so sleepy.. really people i am tired of not being able to provide for my family. To be working on caring for the younger ones, and getting the bills paid somehow, while the oldest ones think I am going to die any moment now. It is so hard to convenience them that I am not going to die when I can’t even walk around the pool because that mass is taking up too much space.Tired people of just not being a part of their life.. just that bit that they feel that they have to get away from as soon as possible, that is what is currently happening at my house.. my oldest daughter left, and has not been back for month for she was at the doctor’s appointment when my pain medication was in need of changing and because I know what I need and am not an addict and their hands are tied, they could do nothing for me but send me to a pain clinic. I wept hard, so hard that I said I wanted to die.. because uncontrollable pain besides making your blood pressure go up, it is a battle of control over weather you can smile that day and it was not a smiling day…
The second daughter leaves right after work and goes to a friends house to watch Netflix and even when she tries to get home earlier it is three am when the door opens and shuts. And who could blame here, working two jobs and they just hired a new person who we all know and understand not to be qualified and are paying her three dollars more then my daughter and five cents more the the women who has a degree where she does not!! She works so hard to bring her part time paycheck from an entry level job that she has worked at for five years into this house and it is not enough. So she is running away from her family, mostly from me, because i must disappoint her something awful. Just something awful.. she yelled at me today as she was frustrated.. I need to go to the store and get apples and tea, she didn’t want to watch the baby so she is staying at work till we get home and then she will bring the baby home and she will leave.
The third daughter has camp for four weeks, she is here for the evening for the first two weeks but the second two weeks it is on campus away.. she doesn’t want to be the mom of the baby for these two weeks, she wants to be a kid. It is not her fault that her sister has a heart problem and can’t take care of the baby at present and she is also afraid that I will die. and who knows.. maybe I will.. but it is not on my mind at the moment or in my plan..
I just want the opportunity to work and provide for my family and the right was taken away from me by a terrorist! He knew he had HIV, and he is not from America so he knew I would get sick and loose everything. That Terrorist is the one who should be sitting in a jail cell somewhere not me sitting in my house that is like a jail now..
I JUST WANT TO GET MY KIDS THE THINGS THEY NEED, PAY THE LIGHT BILL WITHOUT THEM STRESSING, GET NEW TIRES SO THE CAR DOESN’T KILL ALL OF US.. doesn’t sound like much.. some people want food, we could use that too, some people just want a place to stay.. and I get that too.. I just want the rain to come for us all!!! Nobody understands when you are in pain so bad that it hurts to walk. Nobody understands how a little assistance could keep my family from running away in different directions.. that would kill me for real.. let it rain blessings upon all our houses.. and if those blessings could be in the form of tp or money that would be exciting too, please.. help me