Therapy

So one therapy technique for PTSD is for a person to wear headphones and hold things in your hands that buzz your hands and they sound buzzes your ears and then look at the flashing lights.. Well I can’t do flashing lights I fall out.. so we just do the other ones.. and today she was like focus on how you felt at that gas station when he told you that he had giving you HIV but didn’t really mean it, but he had to go as he was late for work but would you please inform the police office not to arrest me. I focused on that and she was like follow that feeling, who does she get support from, who can she turn to and say “Hey, Hi I have HIV because I trusted a man for years, and now my life is over. My professor is gone, my health is so so because the medication sucks and I cannot do a days work.. over the past two years I have lost the ability to freaking walk straight. I have no friends who know, nobody to turn to, no one is there. All I see is a small scared child, huddled up in a tight protective pose.
The therapist wants to know if I can be the one to support that person, to inform her that it will be alright.. focus.. there is nobody..Ask anyone and they will tell you that they hate HIV, that it is dead if anyone gets it. There is just nothing. Just nothing..
Maybe that is why I rail against so many things… death, stupid people.. I had to resign up for the Ryan White group three days ago.. they don’t do anything for me. I pay my co-payment, there is no money for the care of AIDS people they say.. which is even in the wrong tense.. it is people with HIV.. dumb asses..I don’t want to be alone… die alone.. is there not one man out there.. one place I can be just me? Send in the clowns.. my life is done.. it ended in March of 2014… my grown children still don’t understand why it is so important to me that I hear from them .. I should have known better.. should have seen this coming.. should have been able to save myself.. I am nothing..

then she said times up.. think about what you think about and your triggers and maybe work on that.. i will be gone for three weeks in September so good luck..

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