It wasn’t enough was it that I was dating after not for 17 years, it wasn’t enough that I was intentionally infected with HIV, nor was it enough to find out that after four years of living with this man and building a house that I was not in a safe one on one relationship, nope that just could not be enough. I believe that all people can find love, or at least I did many years ago. What I didn’t know is that Anti-Social Personality Disorder Psychopathy’s like to find love with lots of people all at the same time, without ever being found out about. That is just a lot of energy that I just don’t have. Even to fathom the lies and the running about he was doing, of course since I worked nights it was I suppose easier then if I perhaps worked during the day for him to get along with other people. As far as I can tell there were at least three other full time relationships going on and the amount of one time or a few times stands is beyond my ability to wrap my head around. Thinking of course that what we had was special and beautiful. The thing is that when things go wrong it is never the fault of the Anti-Social Personality Disorder Psychopathy. I am sure that there are those that get along just find in one on one relationships but mine was not one of those. My life love began to be very upset and this was before I knew about the virus or the other people. I thought he was tired and stressed. As a person who loves their partner it just made sense to listen to him and work on reducing his stress. It was not until very late that I realized that violence and being just awful mean was part of that break down. The first time he hit me we were having sex. This might be too graphic but he was of course on top and not saying anything. Nothing at all, no loving words, no sounds of passion, nothing. He was just staring at me with a look I had never seen before, and when I asked if he was okay he back hand slapped me across my face then put his forearm across my neck and proceeded to finish his part of sex with much more force then I had ever felt or experienced before. When he was finished he pushed me over and laid down in our bed. I was coughing and scared. Just like the books all say, he rolled over and put his arm over me, pulling me close to cuddle and asked me what was wrong? I couldn’t answer him but he began to apologize, said he had a bad few days at work and sometimes he forgets and he thinks he is in Zimbabwe where growing up he had to protect himself from many things as he was on his own much of the time since he was three. Promised it would never happen again, and he fell to sleep. We all know that this is a cycle but what I did not understand is that in four years this is the first time ever I had seen this part of him – Ever.. cycles are repeated and much more often then every four years I told myself as I drifted off to sleep. The next morning he made up for it, kissed me and said “I have guests coming for dinner tonight from work, two of them and that it is important that I be there, not only for the cooking but for the entertainment of the evening.” I agreed thinking that we were going to talk about promotions at work or several projects he had going on in Zimbabwe for kids schools and women’s heart health that he liked to present for funding opportunities. This was not the case. Dinner was indeed attended by two other men but when work was spoken about it was not about SAPA or such but about Zimbabwe and the women there compared to the women here. I had never seen these two men but they were big men, over six feet and over 250 pounds. Dinner was pleasant enough they liked the food, were polite and the conversation was normal. I play this evening over and over again because I am not sure what happened or when it changed from dinner with friends to raping me as the evenings entertainment. After supper my partner and the two men spoke in the living room while I tidied the dishes. I was not paying much attention to them as I was busy. When my partner asked for the timer off the stove I gave it to him thinking we were going to play a game, I hate timed board games and he knew that. My partner asked to speak with me for a moment in the bedroom. When we got in there he was loving and kind and I was like dude we have guests. Then when he slapped me again, I went to leave but that didn’t work well. He wrapped his belt around my neck and told me to shut up, that these men were here to see what Zimbabwe could do for them and he was going to show them the power of a true Zimbabwe male and I would do best to be silent. I told him he was crazy, thinking he was going to fuck me as these men watched – that I was the entertainment. I was horrified but that was not the case, I was the entertainment but not that way. My partner of our years pulled on the belt and it tighten around my neck and I fell silent, he removed my clothes and told me that he would be the one to end the evening, I didn’t understand but then I heard the timer go off. Next thing I know the bedroom door opened and one of the dinner guests was there, he was smiling. My partner handed the belt to him, said something I didn’t hear and left the room. For the next forty-five minutes this man I had never seen before in my life, took his time and raped me. Pulling on the belt when he felt I was being too complainant. He wrapped that belt around the bedpost and used his one belt to whip me. Said he liked the way I felt. I couldn’t move as the belt around my neck would tighten. He smelled like expensive aftershave and the pot roast I had just made. He talked about how he loved my cooking as he penetrated me. He said he was happy to come for dinner after he was finished and was wiping his dick off on me. I heard the timer go off, and he laughed. The door opened and the second dinner guest came in. “Entertainment is good tonight” the first one said on his way out the door. The next forty five minutes went by like the first, he held on to the belt around my neck, remarked on what a good girlfriend I was as he forced his penis into my mouth, the tears had stopped running down my face but they made him very mad and he put a pillow over my face before mounting me and raping me for what seemed like eternity. I though I was going to die. I heard the timer go off and the door open. There was laughter and I felt him heavy and harder until he also said that he was happy to come for dinner. I heard them all three laughing. My partner shut the door and I was alone. I was scared to move for the longest time, I could hear them in the hallway. I slowly started to get dressed, everything hurt and I felt disgusting. I heard the door shut and a car leaving. I thought I was going to leave, he had crossed every line I had and I was done with him, when he opened the bedroom door. His eyes were like fire, he walked the three or four steps to where I was standing and slapped me onto the bed! I yelled at him and he slapped me again. He ripped my clothes off and was just so loud that I thought someone would hear for sure but, he continued. He had told me that he would finish the evening off, I didn’t listen, that was my problem, if I just listened to him he would not have to keep telling me things the hard way – the way they learn in Zimbabwe! It was at that moment that I noticed that one of the guests was at the door way watching with a drink in his hand. Only one of them had left. This was the end of the entertainment and he was going to express his views lets say. He was holding me against himself and I could feel him taking off his pants. He asked the remaining guest if he would like to sit on the bed and suck my titties because I really enjoyed that while he finished the evening off. The guest agreed. The next thing I know I am straddled on top of this stranger who had just raped me as he sucked on my breasts while my partner pulled my hair back so my head would stay up as he penetrated me from behind. He started talking about how all women in Zimbabwe take what their husbands demand of them to this guest, how that I was not as good as a real Zimbabwe female but that I had some good points. This made the man sucking my breasts laugh. My partner commented on how I felt and how I loved this type of entertainment, pulled my hair and asked me and I didn’t believe it but at that moment I agreed with him. I couldn’t think of anything else but getting out of what was my house! They both laughed, he pushed my head down onto the guests penis as he was about finished. They both ejaculated at the same time, I gagged and immediately felt his hands around my neck – That is not how we treat our guests – swallow! He pushed me over and kissed my head and then walked out with the guest. I curled up in the corner in the darken room and waited to hear the doors closes or a car leaving. It felt like ages and then my partner came back in, and I started to hit his chest and cry and kick at him like a full on wail. He grabbed me all up and held me against himself, he threatened me, told me that he didn’t know those guys, that he had put an ad on craigslist to find guys to come fuck me because he knew I would like it. Told me how it was my fault for not making him feel like a man and not helping with the house and on he went. I said I was going to the police and he slapped me again. “The reason I went last is that if you go to the police they will find out that you fucked me too, your boyfriend and partner, building a house, been together four years – so they will think you were just cheating on me and wanted to get me in trouble – no one would believe me” he said. I wanted to die. I said I wanted to go home, he took me to the bathroom and put me in the shower, scrubbed my body and then took me back to the bed room where he climbed on top of me saying “just to make sure” he penetrated me again saying how much he loved me and how well I did tonight and how much he knew I liked it, how very proud he was that I could take two men and still have room for him not just once but twice. I was numb. After the longest time he rolled off of me and said I could go if I wanted too. He was going to sleep there but that he would be over in the morning to “check on me”. What the hell does that mean? I left as fast as I could. I was freaked out and my mind was gone. I questioned what had just happened all the way home where I took some left over sleeping pills and went to bed. The next morning when I woke up he was in my bed sleeping. He rolled over and asked me how I slept? Now I am not saying all Anti-Personality etc people behave this way but mine did. I couldn’t figure out if I had just dreamed all that or what had happened. I was so freaked out. Nothing else odd happened for the next three months. He went around as if nothing had happened. I got an HIV test and it was negative so I began to believe that it was all a dream. But then my partner did get HIV and he completely went off the deep end. He told me later when I found out I had HIV that he was not able to transmit the virus because his body was special. I had to point out the flaw in this thinking but that is symptom of the disease of Anti-Personality disorder I found out later, that you are perfect and all others are less then you. It was another three months after I said I didn’t want to see him anymore before he would leave the country. Three months of him breaking into my house, stealing my money, refusing to buy out my half of the house, he would get hired where I was working and follow me around. This is the trauma that I have been trying to deal with along with the intentional infection but can’t seem to say to a therapist. How bad it already is to have to say I got HIV from a partner of four years because I didn’t notice his odd behavior to then have to say and yes I stayed with him for six months at least after he had me raped for diner entertainment? I am terrified and I don’t know if there is assistance for me.