But I am not sure what to do to make that work? Ever since I have been dealing with HIV it has been a mad house of the virus attacking this, and the doctors saying oh the medication will get there. Then two years ago the doctors’ said that the medicine was not working like it should but that this was the best medicine that “we” had so that I should be aware and adjust that this is going to be the best it would be and that I would die of liver failure, heart attack or a stroke, and that there was nothing else to be done. Stunned I was to hear this man who was suppose to be in charge of saving my life tell me that there was nothing that I could do and that I should just suck it up!! Since then the virus has caused joint damage in my wrist, fractures in my lumber spine, my knees, my foot is broken now, there is damage in my gut and the idea that one throws up three to five times a week in a good week, well that causes damage.. the masses in my lung that is just HIV messing about are not getting smaller and have gotten more in number, the spinal cord lesions have been there one moment then moved the next, the breathing difficulties, the insomnia, the vivid violent dreams, the night sweats all of it.. just suck it up!! What kind of person, what kind of doctor says such a thing? What am I suppose to do now? It takes all I have to just get up in the morning and assist with the activities of daily living but no one talks about this anymore.. people believe it is not a problem and that after a few years on the medication you are just cured! Wow! No you are just dead, that is all, just dead. I tried so hard this weekend to stay up with the kids, they were laughing and playing games and movies and we cooked and there was singing and such.. but it was all I could do to lay in bed and just listen to them laughing. I do deserve good things to happen to me but how is that going to work? I worry about the kids so much.. the older ones struggling to get to the point where they can be helpful and the smaller ones who are not aware just trying to figure out why their mommie is sick so often? And how hard we fight to just be sick so often… this is all so pitiful. and there isn’t any assistance for anything. The state Ryan White program just asked me if there was anyone in my area that was providing assistance for people with HIV..how can one group in such a small state get so much money and not have any to spend on the people they are suppose to serve that they source them out to others!!! My life is a struggle, as are so many others but, Sweet Heaven of Blessed Mary either assist your struggling children or show us the other way?? This is how terrorists are made..