What I learned today…

this state wants to kill me.. quite literally. Most of you might know that I have been ill since Spring of 2014… I worked for another year trying to be superwomen but the end of June in 2015 I applied for Disability from Social Security. In the time it took to get turned down the first time I received word from The Department of Education stating I was Totally and Permanently Disabled. That was interesting, and it took me a while before I found out that Social Security turned me down because someone stole my identity and that person died so Social Security had thought I was dead for like ten years.. during that ten years I had a child and paid taxes and just all sorts of things. So I have a family with little children in the K12 age range and there are more then three but less then ten and at a time when I had just received my professional degree and I was looking forward to making money to provide for my family.. Suddenly I was unable to even leave the house much less work even 24 hours a week and I was and still am so frustrated and angry..for who would not want to provide for their family??? Right.. one of my children had a mile stone birthday yesterday and I could not afford a cake or the ingredients to make a cookie or cake or anything… my child who has walked ten thousand miles in the past three years during me being so ill, and even when I am vomiting in the middle of the night or pooping on the floor their they are there to assist in cleaning up after me, the mother! Something that should not happen for another forty or fifty years… but there they are, my little baby child, holding my hair back before it all fell out.. and then the baby turns a milestone and I have nothing to give them..
So at this point I am as low as I could be right.. but, no the state has to have that last punch.. a couple weeks ago I was asked why I was not on TANF? So I called to say what up to my social worker.. so she called me back after several days and said to me.. the following “Well TANF is a working program so you have to go to the department of Labor to fill out an application, then they send it to us at social services and then we schedule an interview to discuss and since you cannot work (as I have stuff to support that point) we have to gather all your medical records and send them to the capital of the state to a DICK committee.. that is the abbreviation for determination incapable etc blah blah and then they look over the medical paperwork and decide if you are unable to work and then they decide what amount of TANF you would qualify for.” WHAT THE HECKIED HECK STATE OF MINE!!!! Two and a half years, I have struggled from day to day to cover expenses for a household full of kids as a parent who is devastatingly ill only to be told that it is possible that while not much ($760 a month) that would have changed the stress level the whole damn situation for the past two and half years!!! Nobody expects disability to take longer then pregnancy much less two pregnancies but when it becomes apparent that it is going to take longer then a few months one would think that your case worker for Social Services would be on the move to be helpful!!!! My Caseworker knows I am dying.. and for HEAVEN SAKES I AM DYING!!! get over the idea that nowadays nobody dies anymore from HIV!! because they DO!!! And try and working as hard as I am I am not beating HIV, HIV is beating my ass!!! in the last eight weeks I have broken bones in three different areas of my body!!! Jello is my best friend and I can’t leave the DAMN HOUSE or WORK!! WHO DOESN’T WANT TO WORK! So now this STATE says. JK we could have been assisting you for the last two years but we would just rather watch you DIE!!!DIE BITCH DIE!!! So I am on the verge.. I believe in higher powers and such and I have always said that my situation gives others the opportunities to practice their faith – What you do for the poor or those in need you do for me – type thing so I am standing in the need of prayer.. not just people praying but people living their faith! Just a few folks that want to take a few children/kids shopping for clothes, for the holidays, for dishwasher soap, toothpaste, winter outerwear.. just gift cards for Subway or Dairy Queen.. because when I am throwing up for three or four days I am not making supper for kids that still need to eat and what a surprise there is not a person showing up with Tupperware.. or hot chocolate or a sweet tea.. or a hug..if you knew the last time I was hugged am sure some of you could not even count that high!!! If my landlord found out he would throw us out.. PEOPLE DO CRAPPY THINGS TO PEOPLE WHO CAN NO LONGER DEFEND OR SUPPORT THEMSELVES IN THE NAME OF RELIGION…yet each prophet, messiah, messenger of the Lord always says the same thing—do unto the poor, needed, dying, desperate as you would do for me—- and that is where most white christian males just drop out.. because to mess with a mans money is dangerous–ask them to give it away to the poor and suddenly they would rather spend money on jails and forced permanent birth control.. read your history.. Tomorrow is World AIDS Day.. I remember many people and will say their names if I can make it to the chapel to sit in solitude because there are no remembrance services anywhere around me, not a blood drive, not a nothing.. DIE BITCH DIE!! thank you state…

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