It had been a good day…

Then I had a conversation with a family member who lives far away.. who was speaking about how on the TV when they talk about side effects of the medication that for example is to help you quit smoking when you are done listening to all that you are happy to go on smoking.. we talked about that for a while and about the long list of my side effects but because I am so stupid and think that people still love me… I didn’t link up what they were trying to say with what they were saying.. if the side effects of the medication are so bad.. which is the whole problem at the moment.. then what is the good of the quality of life? My life? Is my life worth the $3422.24 per month some $48,000 a year, if I live to be as old as that family member you are looking at an area of $1.5million to keep me alive.. vomiting on a daily basis, pooping my pants, not sleeping, terror filled sleep when I do sleep.. joint pain, and whatever the list is that is so freaking long.. so now I am just frustrated.. alone, isolated, the people who do know don’t care – they even suggest it would be better if I just didn’t take the medication..It had been a good day.. now it is just the dark of my despair.. on less person to talk with I guess..

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Why?

So now everyone knows the details of the relationship that has caused me such hell and still does but, why? Why are the details so freaking important? Why is it not enough to say he hurt me or he ended my life? Why is it so important to go through step by step the damage and look at it like some psych class.. people know all about battered women and long honey cons as they look like these days but it is not that easy when you are living in one. The years that I thought this is what it was suppose to be, only to find out that evil is easy to make look pretty. What am I suppose to do? You know you can post an ad on Craigslist for sex and in less then 48 hours get over 250+ responses.. but post an ad for assistance because your dying and nobody replies. One person might say look into social programs. Guess what you live in AMERICA dummy, we don’t do Social programs.. have you seen congress lately? We do millions for the millionaires and death for the poor. What would our forefathers say if they could see us know? Fought and died to protect the sense of liberty and freedom and protection of people. But now you can abuse and kill people if you are white or a cop and get away with it and people are surprised? Like it hasn’t been happening for the last hundred years. My life is my own but it has been damaged. I have spoken with more HIV people and programs in the past two years then I can count and there is nothing. One single mother, unable to work, fighting varies illnesses on top of some serious trauma, working on keeping her kids out of it, so that they are not targeted, scared or any of the other things that a child could be when they find out their only parent, their mother that they love so much has been abused, beaten and raped by the person they thought loved us all? I am just one person, one person – raising five kids and a granddaughter – Why is it that nobody cares? I go to church when I can get there, I pray everyday for several hours but it is scary to think that nobody is going to stand by me, say my name or even assist me with the most basic of needs – housing, food, clothes, shelter, and the likes.. I take one drug that I need to live but have so many other drugs to deal with taking that one pill. What happens when you take poison for decades? Just to live? Makes living a full time job is what it is. Where is that blessed rest assurance? Where is that HIV family that can answer so many questions that I have? Thirty years this virus has ravaged the world, it is not done and by the looks of congress it is just getting it’s second life. Doctors don’t want you stock piling pills but hell, when there is no way to get them it gets to be the only way to stay alive, and even so you are looking at months, not years.. GOD HELP ME! and since God is busy in MEXICO and YEMEN and several other places.. can someone who reads this please assist me? Pass it on to someone who can? A kind person who would rather keep a family together and alive instead of going to McDonald’s?? Just a thought.. times are tough all around.. but not for everybody.. I am calling you out.. if you can read this and can afford dinner out.. you can afford to assist a poor family buy winter clothes..

Lets Talk about what happens when you find out you are dating an Anti-Social Personality Disorder Psychopathy

It wasn’t enough was it that I was dating after not for 17 years, it wasn’t enough that I was intentionally infected with HIV, nor was it enough to find out that after four years of living with this man and building a house that I was not in a safe one on one relationship, nope that just could not be enough. I believe that all people can find love, or at least I did many years ago. What I didn’t know is that Anti-Social Personality Disorder Psychopathy’s like to find love with lots of people all at the same time, without ever being found out about. That is just a lot of energy that I just don’t have. Even to fathom the lies and the running about he was doing, of course since I worked nights it was I suppose easier then if I perhaps worked during the day for him to get along with other people. As far as I can tell there were at least three other full time relationships going on and the amount of one time or a few times stands is beyond my ability to wrap my head around. Thinking of course that what we had was special and beautiful. The thing is that when things go wrong it is never the fault of the Anti-Social Personality Disorder Psychopathy. I am sure that there are those that get along just find in one on one relationships but mine was not one of those. My life love began to be very upset and this was before I knew about the virus or the other people. I thought he was tired and stressed. As a person who loves their partner it just made sense to listen to him and work on reducing his stress. It was not until very late that I realized that violence and being just awful mean was part of that break down. The first time he hit me we were having sex. This might be too graphic but he was of course on top and not saying anything. Nothing at all, no loving words, no sounds of passion, nothing. He was just staring at me with a look I had never seen before, and when I asked if he was okay he back hand slapped me across my face then put his forearm across my neck and proceeded to finish his part of sex with much more force then I had ever felt or experienced before. When he was finished he pushed me over and laid down in our bed. I was coughing and scared. Just like the books all say, he rolled over and put his arm over me, pulling me close to cuddle and asked me what was wrong? I couldn’t answer him but he began to apologize, said he had a bad few days at work and sometimes he forgets and he thinks he is in Zimbabwe where growing up he had to protect himself from many things as he was on his own much of the time since he was three. Promised it would never happen again, and he fell to sleep. We all know that this is a cycle but what I did not understand is that in four years this is the first time ever I had seen this part of him – Ever.. cycles are repeated and much more often then every four years I told myself as I drifted off to sleep. The next morning he made up for it, kissed me and said “I have guests coming for dinner tonight from work, two of them and that it is important that I be there, not only for the cooking but for the entertainment of the evening.” I agreed thinking that we were going to talk about promotions at work or several projects he had going on in Zimbabwe for kids schools and women’s heart health that he liked to present for funding opportunities. This was not the case. Dinner was indeed attended by two other men but when work was spoken about it was not about SAPA or such but about Zimbabwe and the women there compared to the women here. I had never seen these two men but they were big men, over six feet and over 250 pounds. Dinner was pleasant enough they liked the food, were polite and the conversation was normal. I play this evening over and over again because I am not sure what happened or when it changed from dinner with friends to raping me as the evenings entertainment. After supper my partner and the two men spoke in the living room while I tidied the dishes. I was not paying much attention to them as I was busy. When my partner asked for the timer off the stove I gave it to him thinking we were going to play a game, I hate timed board games and he knew that. My partner asked to speak with me for a moment in the bedroom. When we got in there he was loving and kind and I was like dude we have guests. Then when he slapped me again, I went to leave but that didn’t work well. He wrapped his belt around my neck and told me to shut up, that these men were here to see what Zimbabwe could do for them and he was going to show them the power of a true Zimbabwe male and I would do best to be silent. I told him he was crazy, thinking he was going to fuck me as these men watched – that I was the entertainment. I was horrified but that was not the case, I was the entertainment but not that way. My partner of our years pulled on the belt and it tighten around my neck and I fell silent, he removed my clothes and told me that he would be the one to end the evening, I didn’t understand but then I heard the timer go off. Next thing I know the bedroom door opened and one of the dinner guests was there, he was smiling. My partner handed the belt to him, said something I didn’t hear and left the room. For the next forty-five minutes this man I had never seen before in my life, took his time and raped me. Pulling on the belt when he felt I was being too complainant. He wrapped that belt around the bedpost and used his one belt to whip me. Said he liked the way I felt. I couldn’t move as the belt around my neck would tighten. He smelled like expensive aftershave and the pot roast I had just made. He talked about how he loved my cooking as he penetrated me. He said he was happy to come for dinner after he was finished and was wiping his dick off on me. I heard the timer go off, and he laughed. The door opened and the second dinner guest came in. “Entertainment is good tonight” the first one said on his way out the door. The next forty five minutes went by like the first, he held on to the belt around my neck, remarked on what a good girlfriend I was as he forced his penis into my mouth, the tears had stopped running down my face but they made him very mad and he put a pillow over my face before mounting me and raping me for what seemed like eternity. I though I was going to die. I heard the timer go off and the door open. There was laughter and I felt him heavy and harder until he also said that he was happy to come for dinner. I heard them all three laughing. My partner shut the door and I was alone. I was scared to move for the longest time, I could hear them in the hallway. I slowly started to get dressed, everything hurt and I felt disgusting. I heard the door shut and a car leaving. I thought I was going to leave, he had crossed every line I had and I was done with him, when he opened the bedroom door. His eyes were like fire, he walked the three or four steps to where I was standing and slapped me onto the bed! I yelled at him and he slapped me again. He ripped my clothes off and was just so loud that I thought someone would hear for sure but, he continued. He had told me that he would finish the evening off, I didn’t listen, that was my problem, if I just listened to him he would not have to keep telling me things the hard way – the way they learn in Zimbabwe! It was at that moment that I noticed that one of the guests was at the door way watching with a drink in his hand. Only one of them had left. This was the end of the entertainment and he was going to express his views lets say. He was holding me against himself and I could feel him taking off his pants. He asked the remaining guest if he would like to sit on the bed and suck my titties because I really enjoyed that while he finished the evening off. The guest agreed. The next thing I know I am straddled on top of this stranger who had just raped me as he sucked on my breasts while my partner pulled my hair back so my head would stay up as he penetrated me from behind. He started talking about how all women in Zimbabwe take what their husbands demand of them to this guest, how that I was not as good as a real Zimbabwe female but that I had some good points. This made the man sucking my breasts laugh. My partner commented on how I felt and how I loved this type of entertainment, pulled my hair and asked me and I didn’t believe it but at that moment I agreed with him. I couldn’t think of anything else but getting out of what was my house! They both laughed, he pushed my head down onto the guests penis as he was about finished. They both ejaculated at the same time, I gagged and immediately felt his hands around my neck – That is not how we treat our guests – swallow! He pushed me over and kissed my head and then walked out with the guest. I curled up in the corner in the darken room and waited to hear the doors closes or a car leaving. It felt like ages and then my partner came back in, and I started to hit his chest and cry and kick at him like a full on wail. He grabbed me all up and held me against himself, he threatened me, told me that he didn’t know those guys, that he had put an ad on craigslist to find guys to come fuck me because he knew I would like it. Told me how it was my fault for not making him feel like a man and not helping with the house and on he went. I said I was going to the police and he slapped me again. “The reason I went last is that if you go to the police they will find out that you fucked me too, your boyfriend and partner, building a house, been together four years – so they will think you were just cheating on me and wanted to get me in trouble – no one would believe me” he said. I wanted to die. I said I wanted to go home, he took me to the bathroom and put me in the shower, scrubbed my body and then took me back to the bed room where he climbed on top of me saying “just to make sure” he penetrated me again saying how much he loved me and how well I did tonight and how much he knew I liked it, how very proud he was that I could take two men and still have room for him not just once but twice. I was numb. After the longest time he rolled off of me and said I could go if I wanted too. He was going to sleep there but that he would be over in the morning to “check on me”. What the hell does that mean? I left as fast as I could. I was freaked out and my mind was gone. I questioned what had just happened all the way home where I took some left over sleeping pills and went to bed. The next morning when I woke up he was in my bed sleeping. He rolled over and asked me how I slept? Now I am not saying all Anti-Personality etc people behave this way but mine did. I couldn’t figure out if I had just dreamed all that or what had happened. I was so freaked out. Nothing else odd happened for the next three months. He went around as if nothing had happened. I got an HIV test and it was negative so I began to believe that it was all a dream. But then my partner did get HIV and he completely went off the deep end. He told me later when I found out I had HIV that he was not able to transmit the virus because his body was special. I had to point out the flaw in this thinking but that is symptom of the disease of Anti-Personality disorder I found out later, that you are perfect and all others are less then you. It was another three months after I said I didn’t want to see him anymore before he would leave the country. Three months of him breaking into my house, stealing my money, refusing to buy out my half of the house, he would get hired where I was working and follow me around. This is the trauma that I have been trying to deal with along with the intentional infection but can’t seem to say to a therapist. How bad it already is to have to say I got HIV from a partner of four years because I didn’t notice his odd behavior to then have to say and yes I stayed with him for six months at least after he had me raped for diner entertainment? I am terrified and I don’t know if there is assistance for me.

Thought I saw a glimpse of the sun…

but I was wrong.. I saw the p-sych guy on Monday and after all that crap, he wants to do the same thing all over again that does nothing but make me throw up. HE DOESN’T LISTEN.. the PA says we need to go through him because he is a man and they won’t listen to her because she is a female.. I am so done.. she is fighting me on this.. but I don’t want to be in the middle of all this crap.. all day yesterday my largest plan was to get everyone to where they had to be so I could take a nap.. ten am and I was hopeful to take a four hour nap.. pitiful.. I want my life back.. he isn’t even happy with the pain meds that I just got to the right level for all the shit that is broken or whatever.. there is just no reason for him to be involved.. only going to cost me money and lots of time either vomiting or pooping or both and sleeping because the PA wants me to take enough of the anti-nausea medication to keep the medication down which just makes me a sleep..
I want my life back.. I want to be able to go out and not be afraid, I want to get a job and not have to worry about my HIV status.. or anyone else to have to worry about it.. how does it feel to want..
who cares..

Another day, more ants…& whores

Last week was not a good week anyway you look at it.. I was informed by some terminated type lady that because I have not been seen by their clinic but was seen by another clinic that I was to be dropped.. I said now I had spoken to my case manager there just the other day and on she argued with me.. No you haven’t, that could take years, you’re just stupid, dumb slut who got HIV, and we don’t want you anymore. Been trying to get ride of you for years!” Seems a funny way to keep people in care when you promised them that there was space.. but now I am the demon female with HIV.. you know why I had to see the other person last month.. because there is no fucking appointment for you lady till October at the earliest. OCTOBER is a freaking long way away Ms. Terminator Bitch for a person who is “experiencing difficulties” to wait to see their new provider. Missed the last appointment, that I did call about, well yes I did, because I was SICK! at my primary care doctor who doesn’t need this much crap to be dealing with.. If there is a doctor for HIV people then let them act the hell like it and not like they could care less. I have called Ms. Terminator bitch office several times with problems and illness and fevers, and blood filling up the damn potty when I poo, and all sorts of concerns and questions seem to be rather reasonable and important and all I ever get is that doctor is not in today and the one seeing their patience is full. You could go to convenient care with 40$ and they will see you there (who will see me there? The resident, 2nd year who has no idea about what HIV is because they don’t teach that in school) and if I had 40$ I would be able to drive the hell there the over 45 miles.. bitch.. call me like I am not working my best to get things done.. but you all are busy, can’t see me, you could wait in a room and we will let the doctors know that you are here but if there is no cancellation you would just spend you entire day waiting and never see anyone.. we’re sorry.. Yes Mrs. Terminator Bitch you are sorry..and don’t worry you are not the only one in the web of “helpful” services that are sorry. There are just enough.. and if you can’t remember MY DAMN NAME you shouldn’t be calling me in the first place.. Sucks to be poor. Sean is correct.. it is the gap of the rich and the poor that have HIV that will loose this coming battle. You want to know where people get radicalized – I will be happy to inform you.. it is at the other end of the phone from Ms. Terminator bitch who doesn’t read your file, list to what you are saying and most obvious doesn’t give a crap. There is where you will find the start of the books with titles like “How HIV turned me into An Assassin Whore?”, or “I was intentionally infected by a Native African for Crimes American has Committed against my country” bit wordy I agree most likely read something like “Look what Your World Powers have done for you now!”

I have worked for three years to get this idea that I am not the demon lady of my street.. that I do not deserve to have jokes told about me, that the stigma is real and people don’t understand. I just had a great conversation with Catholic Family Services in my area and they so wanted me to tell everyone, they must all know by now right? Or are you just keeping the secret to be prideful? Because if people knew you were sick then they would be willing to help out some more.. well fuck guess what.. they do know I am sick.. just that I don’t have HIV and it is a good thing because those jokes those grown up Catholics were telling at that family fun dinner and get to gather was just so exciting for me.. So healing to think that people I pray with can laugh over AIDS jokes and such. yup left church that day feeling the love of Christ in my heart.. that love right before someone pounded nails through his hands..and now it gets better.. compression fractures of my spine.. breath too deeply and your will fracture your spine.. spine is a long ass thing.. can’t wait to find out what this is going to do.. and how once again my HIV doc will be like ‘go figure’ and disability will be taking their damn time while I sit here unable to walk for the love of Christ but don’t worry.. sure I got bills but I gots hope! The Catholic Family Services lady said so.. suppose she forgot to inform Ms Terminator Bitch but we can’t have everything, She was just business bitching me out on the lets keep people in care and stop the spread of HIV.. but she skipped that and went right to the “How HIV made me a Whore with a Cause” chapter.

So the parish has written me off, looks like

My catholic family services therapist expressed to me that I should share with my priest the nature of my illness and that then all that love me would be able to assist me knowing that I was ill. Expect the church has known I have been ill for over two years.. just not with what.. besides the masses in my lung and attached to my spinal cord, the protein wasting the fat moving around like I am the elephant man, the inability to get to mass so I request somebody to come see me on Fridays but low, nobody comes.. and now there is an update in the parish family directory and we were left out.. guess it is not unconditional Christ loves everyone is someone. just the ones that dont’ bleed on the carpet. So I don’t belong here. Now what? I spent the better part of two years trying to figure out where I would belong and all I feel is dead. Just want to be with my family.. to do stuff that I could do with them maybe find a farm or something that I could do something.. but all I feel is dead.. thank you to a christ center community of compassion.. silly me thinking I belonged, was important or even a talent.. but no just dead.. wonder if that is how Christ felt..

Off to the MRI – how much worse, guess we will see..

It is not just for me that I c/o about my state of affairs it is the doctors who do not seem to care, the nursing staff really trying to answer my questions and the doctors from other areas that find the reason is HIV and still can not make my infectious disease to agree. It is not going well in mudtown. My birthday was a few days ago, nobody took notice. Seems that they all think I am dead or gone already. The head therapist wanted to know why I didn’t tell everyone so that people who knew me would then be moved to assist me and my family in a more helpful manner. If that was the case I guess our landlord who is part of the church and owns so many hundreds and many houses has his charitable giving covered by his greed. That people I know and love understand that for the past two years I have had masses in my lungs and on my spine and if that isn’t enough to cause an out pouring of care in my community then I suppose there isn’t enough love in the world.
I choice to buy food this weekend instead of paying for a different bill. Now I am in more of a mess.. there just isn’t unmessy going on.. When the kids got run into by the semi they walked away without an injury of gross but the care= remained totaled and I am begging rides to MRI, and Doctor appointments because we have to drop the car off to get it fixed. the last of the working cars needs a new fan belt.. I am not sure but I know we need another car and soon, the daycare bill needs paying the tuition bills need buying and we need toliet paper.. and I need a reason to keep getting out of bed in the morning .. I am so said that it is very difficult to even believe that anyone would still care about me..

show me some love people…

I am going to die… can you wrap your head about that?

I used to think that it didn’t matter, that I could do this. I can figure out how to live on nothing and provide for my family and get disability sorted all before I got too sick.. no need to inform the younger children for why make them worry about something that would not happen for years to come. Think is it is not years to come is it.. I pray everyday, I have seen death, in old persons, in young people in those in between, everyone is always at peace at the end. a good place to be yes but that involves a deep progression of the illness. I am still struggling to be a live. I can hardly do much to be helpful these days because of the side effect of the medication, there just isn’t a good answer to why you can’t pay your bills because your medication makes you so sleepy. Oh to hear that the medication does what it is suppose to do one more time and I will just weep in the middle of the street.
What the dilly do am I suppose to do? Wish someone would kindly send some suggestions my way because there just isn’t any thing I can think of that is not making me feel despondent.
or sick to my stomach, or whatever, just want to be able to live but, I am going to die. and die alone it looks like

Desperate

School starts today for some and on Wednesday for other and I have no money for a hair cut for one child or socks for either child. I got an over paid your student loan check and I got new tires and such for the girls cars because I have no damn car and now I have no damn refund check. Disability is run by Satan I am sure over two years and we still dealing with this crap. Come on.. I need to have my disability settled. I can’t do anything from staying awake to getting socks for my kids.. I am about to write a post about How HIV turned me into a Whore because that is what it is going to do and I am very frightened.. What the fuck..is there left to do? The president is willing to let people fight against each other that he doesn’t care if the HIV treatments are gone or just deadly so he will turn us into assassins against our own people and ourselves. becuase if he did care or ABC cared.. or CBS Cared or any fucking person right now gave a fuck about me and my kids or this stupid place I am in then someone would be assisting.. But guess the hell what??? nobody is offering.. not a church member could be bothered to take the kids shopping, not a university office, not a therapist, not a friend. a fucking friend if I still had any.. can be bothered enough to assist me and my kids.. THIS IS WHY FAMILIES ALL UP AND KILL EVERYONE, and why not what do we have to loose? There will be those happy Alt-rights dancing on our graves anyway… too bad I am going to be cremated…

Therapy

So one therapy technique for PTSD is for a person to wear headphones and hold things in your hands that buzz your hands and they sound buzzes your ears and then look at the flashing lights.. Well I can’t do flashing lights I fall out.. so we just do the other ones.. and today she was like focus on how you felt at that gas station when he told you that he had giving you HIV but didn’t really mean it, but he had to go as he was late for work but would you please inform the police office not to arrest me. I focused on that and she was like follow that feeling, who does she get support from, who can she turn to and say “Hey, Hi I have HIV because I trusted a man for years, and now my life is over. My professor is gone, my health is so so because the medication sucks and I cannot do a days work.. over the past two years I have lost the ability to freaking walk straight. I have no friends who know, nobody to turn to, no one is there. All I see is a small scared child, huddled up in a tight protective pose.
The therapist wants to know if I can be the one to support that person, to inform her that it will be alright.. focus.. there is nobody..Ask anyone and they will tell you that they hate HIV, that it is dead if anyone gets it. There is just nothing. Just nothing..
Maybe that is why I rail against so many things… death, stupid people.. I had to resign up for the Ryan White group three days ago.. they don’t do anything for me. I pay my co-payment, there is no money for the care of AIDS people they say.. which is even in the wrong tense.. it is people with HIV.. dumb asses..I don’t want to be alone… die alone.. is there not one man out there.. one place I can be just me? Send in the clowns.. my life is done.. it ended in March of 2014… my grown children still don’t understand why it is so important to me that I hear from them .. I should have known better.. should have seen this coming.. should have been able to save myself.. I am nothing..

then she said times up.. think about what you think about and your triggers and maybe work on that.. i will be gone for three weeks in September so good luck..