Thought I saw a glimpse of the sun…

but I was wrong.. I saw the p-sych guy on Monday and after all that crap, he wants to do the same thing all over again that does nothing but make me throw up. HE DOESN’T LISTEN.. the PA says we need to go through him because he is a man and they won’t listen to her because she is a female.. I am so done.. she is fighting me on this.. but I don’t want to be in the middle of all this crap.. all day yesterday my largest plan was to get everyone to where they had to be so I could take a nap.. ten am and I was hopeful to take a four hour nap.. pitiful.. I want my life back.. he isn’t even happy with the pain meds that I just got to the right level for all the shit that is broken or whatever.. there is just no reason for him to be involved.. only going to cost me money and lots of time either vomiting or pooping or both and sleeping because the PA wants me to take enough of the anti-nausea medication to keep the medication down which just makes me a sleep..
I want my life back.. I want to be able to go out and not be afraid, I want to get a job and not have to worry about my HIV status.. or anyone else to have to worry about it.. how does it feel to want..
who cares..


Another day, more ants…& whores

Last week was not a good week anyway you look at it.. I was informed by some terminated type lady that because I have not been seen by their clinic but was seen by another clinic that I was to be dropped.. I said now I had spoken to my case manager there just the other day and on she argued with me.. No you haven’t, that could take years, you’re just stupid, dumb slut who got HIV, and we don’t want you anymore. Been trying to get ride of you for years!” Seems a funny way to keep people in care when you promised them that there was space.. but now I am the demon female with HIV.. you know why I had to see the other person last month.. because there is no fucking appointment for you lady till October at the earliest. OCTOBER is a freaking long way away Ms. Terminator Bitch for a person who is “experiencing difficulties” to wait to see their new provider. Missed the last appointment, that I did call about, well yes I did, because I was SICK! at my primary care doctor who doesn’t need this much crap to be dealing with.. If there is a doctor for HIV people then let them act the hell like it and not like they could care less. I have called Ms. Terminator bitch office several times with problems and illness and fevers, and blood filling up the damn potty when I poo, and all sorts of concerns and questions seem to be rather reasonable and important and all I ever get is that doctor is not in today and the one seeing their patience is full. You could go to convenient care with 40$ and they will see you there (who will see me there? The resident, 2nd year who has no idea about what HIV is because they don’t teach that in school) and if I had 40$ I would be able to drive the hell there the over 45 miles.. bitch.. call me like I am not working my best to get things done.. but you all are busy, can’t see me, you could wait in a room and we will let the doctors know that you are here but if there is no cancellation you would just spend you entire day waiting and never see anyone.. we’re sorry.. Yes Mrs. Terminator Bitch you are sorry..and don’t worry you are not the only one in the web of “helpful” services that are sorry. There are just enough.. and if you can’t remember MY DAMN NAME you shouldn’t be calling me in the first place.. Sucks to be poor. Sean is correct.. it is the gap of the rich and the poor that have HIV that will loose this coming battle. You want to know where people get radicalized – I will be happy to inform you.. it is at the other end of the phone from Ms. Terminator bitch who doesn’t read your file, list to what you are saying and most obvious doesn’t give a crap. There is where you will find the start of the books with titles like “How HIV turned me into An Assassin Whore?”, or “I was intentionally infected by a Native African for Crimes American has Committed against my country” bit wordy I agree most likely read something like “Look what Your World Powers have done for you now!”

I have worked for three years to get this idea that I am not the demon lady of my street.. that I do not deserve to have jokes told about me, that the stigma is real and people don’t understand. I just had a great conversation with Catholic Family Services in my area and they so wanted me to tell everyone, they must all know by now right? Or are you just keeping the secret to be prideful? Because if people knew you were sick then they would be willing to help out some more.. well fuck guess what.. they do know I am sick.. just that I don’t have HIV and it is a good thing because those jokes those grown up Catholics were telling at that family fun dinner and get to gather was just so exciting for me.. So healing to think that people I pray with can laugh over AIDS jokes and such. yup left church that day feeling the love of Christ in my heart.. that love right before someone pounded nails through his hands..and now it gets better.. compression fractures of my spine.. breath too deeply and your will fracture your spine.. spine is a long ass thing.. can’t wait to find out what this is going to do.. and how once again my HIV doc will be like ‘go figure’ and disability will be taking their damn time while I sit here unable to walk for the love of Christ but don’t worry.. sure I got bills but I gots hope! The Catholic Family Services lady said so.. suppose she forgot to inform Ms Terminator Bitch but we can’t have everything, She was just business bitching me out on the lets keep people in care and stop the spread of HIV.. but she skipped that and went right to the “How HIV made me a Whore with a Cause” chapter.

So the parish has written me off, looks like

My catholic family services therapist expressed to me that I should share with my priest the nature of my illness and that then all that love me would be able to assist me knowing that I was ill. Expect the church has known I have been ill for over two years.. just not with what.. besides the masses in my lung and attached to my spinal cord, the protein wasting the fat moving around like I am the elephant man, the inability to get to mass so I request somebody to come see me on Fridays but low, nobody comes.. and now there is an update in the parish family directory and we were left out.. guess it is not unconditional Christ loves everyone is someone. just the ones that dont’ bleed on the carpet. So I don’t belong here. Now what? I spent the better part of two years trying to figure out where I would belong and all I feel is dead. Just want to be with my family.. to do stuff that I could do with them maybe find a farm or something that I could do something.. but all I feel is dead.. thank you to a christ center community of compassion.. silly me thinking I belonged, was important or even a talent.. but no just dead.. wonder if that is how Christ felt..

Off to the MRI – how much worse, guess we will see..

It is not just for me that I c/o about my state of affairs it is the doctors who do not seem to care, the nursing staff really trying to answer my questions and the doctors from other areas that find the reason is HIV and still can not make my infectious disease to agree. It is not going well in mudtown. My birthday was a few days ago, nobody took notice. Seems that they all think I am dead or gone already. The head therapist wanted to know why I didn’t tell everyone so that people who knew me would then be moved to assist me and my family in a more helpful manner. If that was the case I guess our landlord who is part of the church and owns so many hundreds and many houses has his charitable giving covered by his greed. That people I know and love understand that for the past two years I have had masses in my lungs and on my spine and if that isn’t enough to cause an out pouring of care in my community then I suppose there isn’t enough love in the world.
I choice to buy food this weekend instead of paying for a different bill. Now I am in more of a mess.. there just isn’t unmessy going on.. When the kids got run into by the semi they walked away without an injury of gross but the care= remained totaled and I am begging rides to MRI, and Doctor appointments because we have to drop the car off to get it fixed. the last of the working cars needs a new fan belt.. I am not sure but I know we need another car and soon, the daycare bill needs paying the tuition bills need buying and we need toliet paper.. and I need a reason to keep getting out of bed in the morning .. I am so said that it is very difficult to even believe that anyone would still care about me..

show me some love people…

I am going to die… can you wrap your head about that?

I used to think that it didn’t matter, that I could do this. I can figure out how to live on nothing and provide for my family and get disability sorted all before I got too sick.. no need to inform the younger children for why make them worry about something that would not happen for years to come. Think is it is not years to come is it.. I pray everyday, I have seen death, in old persons, in young people in those in between, everyone is always at peace at the end. a good place to be yes but that involves a deep progression of the illness. I am still struggling to be a live. I can hardly do much to be helpful these days because of the side effect of the medication, there just isn’t a good answer to why you can’t pay your bills because your medication makes you so sleepy. Oh to hear that the medication does what it is suppose to do one more time and I will just weep in the middle of the street.
What the dilly do am I suppose to do? Wish someone would kindly send some suggestions my way because there just isn’t any thing I can think of that is not making me feel despondent.
or sick to my stomach, or whatever, just want to be able to live but, I am going to die. and die alone it looks like


School starts today for some and on Wednesday for other and I have no money for a hair cut for one child or socks for either child. I got an over paid your student loan check and I got new tires and such for the girls cars because I have no damn car and now I have no damn refund check. Disability is run by Satan I am sure over two years and we still dealing with this crap. Come on.. I need to have my disability settled. I can’t do anything from staying awake to getting socks for my kids.. I am about to write a post about How HIV turned me into a Whore because that is what it is going to do and I am very frightened.. What the there left to do? The president is willing to let people fight against each other that he doesn’t care if the HIV treatments are gone or just deadly so he will turn us into assassins against our own people and ourselves. becuase if he did care or ABC cared.. or CBS Cared or any fucking person right now gave a fuck about me and my kids or this stupid place I am in then someone would be assisting.. But guess the hell what??? nobody is offering.. not a church member could be bothered to take the kids shopping, not a university office, not a therapist, not a friend. a fucking friend if I still had any.. can be bothered enough to assist me and my kids.. THIS IS WHY FAMILIES ALL UP AND KILL EVERYONE, and why not what do we have to loose? There will be those happy Alt-rights dancing on our graves anyway… too bad I am going to be cremated…


So one therapy technique for PTSD is for a person to wear headphones and hold things in your hands that buzz your hands and they sound buzzes your ears and then look at the flashing lights.. Well I can’t do flashing lights I fall out.. so we just do the other ones.. and today she was like focus on how you felt at that gas station when he told you that he had giving you HIV but didn’t really mean it, but he had to go as he was late for work but would you please inform the police office not to arrest me. I focused on that and she was like follow that feeling, who does she get support from, who can she turn to and say “Hey, Hi I have HIV because I trusted a man for years, and now my life is over. My professor is gone, my health is so so because the medication sucks and I cannot do a days work.. over the past two years I have lost the ability to freaking walk straight. I have no friends who know, nobody to turn to, no one is there. All I see is a small scared child, huddled up in a tight protective pose.
The therapist wants to know if I can be the one to support that person, to inform her that it will be alright.. focus.. there is nobody..Ask anyone and they will tell you that they hate HIV, that it is dead if anyone gets it. There is just nothing. Just nothing..
Maybe that is why I rail against so many things… death, stupid people.. I had to resign up for the Ryan White group three days ago.. they don’t do anything for me. I pay my co-payment, there is no money for the care of AIDS people they say.. which is even in the wrong tense.. it is people with HIV.. dumb asses..I don’t want to be alone… die alone.. is there not one man out there.. one place I can be just me? Send in the clowns.. my life is done.. it ended in March of 2014… my grown children still don’t understand why it is so important to me that I hear from them .. I should have known better.. should have seen this coming.. should have been able to save myself.. I am nothing..

then she said times up.. think about what you think about and your triggers and maybe work on that.. i will be gone for three weeks in September so good luck..

A little trip up the hill

So I fell yesterday in the parking lot of the gas station.. great move I know.. just what I need to be bleeding in public.. I broke a couple ribs and have bruises on everything else with swelling keeping it all company. It was only 2 pm, I had a lot of stuff to do still.. but could barely walk.. so thee was no diner made, because who is going to make it but me? I am so tired.. My chest hurts but, I don’t want to worry my PA and my HIV doc is like yup thanks for telling me, go see your PA.
I go to church, believe that God/Heaven is there.. I wrote a note to a church member who is a member of a prayer group and explained my situation about how we were going to be 500$ short for the month and that is with two daughters working three pt jobs.. that my breathing is getting worse in this heat they say it will get better but breathing with injuried lungs is hard enough. Anyway, I stated in bold big letters that I didn’t want his assistance with money but, that where a group of people who are gathered in Heavens name then their prayers are loud.. that is what I wished to ask him, also in big letters, that group of Knights of Columbus should be able to get a short prayer out for the dying mother of five kids and one grandkid… just one, then like the move said “When all hope is gone help will come from above in the shape of a donkey!” I know I watch veggie tales.. and I believe that .. all of it.. when people gather to prayer over a person it works.. I speak to the lady that was liverless then healed most everyother day.. she informs me in bold letters that I look tired.. and I am tired.. sore and can’t remember day to day crap but I know that with the right support and medication and all that crap this could be better.. the question is how to do all that when I can barely walk..

open for suggestions.. and #iloveGuam… don’t bomb people, it’s rude and terrorist event.. and as always, feel free to send donations.. not just money but silverware, bandaids, stuff people don’t think about.. dishwasher soap.. Is there anyone out there?

written permission

I promised my PA that I would not kill myself unless I saw her first.. great.. so I am keeping myself busy, wondering what is wrong with all these people. I am a bit tired but I get a few things done. Then I can’t sleep and I have terrifying dreams that are so vivid and real that it is too much for the day. I have needs.. not even wants.. just needs..basic needs.. clothes for the kids, lunch for the kids, bus passes, clothes that might fit and two pairs of sneakers for PE classes.. I am ready for good things to start happening.. Where is that HIV positive Black Man that is looking for love? who doesn’t want to die alone? what is the hold up??? People are not suppose to burden the load alone. I just released that the memory I have about the meetings at the library and the conversations had and friends made, and so forth like a five year memory of work done and things succeeded was just a dream.. none of it was real.. Five years of what had been a productive period of my life is 1)gone and 2) not real.. I want something real i can touch and hold on to.. It is hard when you can no longer remember what is a real memory and what is just HIV eating up parts of your brain and leaving poop in the place.. I may not be able to wait till I get written permission..

If I killed myself.. and then it got better

Wouldn’t that suck!! But there is not much hope of that here at the present, I am so low it is not even something I can laugh at. Doctors are a waste of time. Half of them say opiods are no good only make things worse but they don’t live with the pain. Just do some yoga or some swimming, you know what you need… A Good Nights’ Sleep!!! Holy Mother of God and the Damn Donkey… If I could but only sleep.. lets see people.. I have been taking the damn medicine for over two years.. and I don’t sleep well! Sometimes never that evening! Its’ been a week and I am so tired.. slip sliding away..
I want to hang on to say that next month will be better! Next month there will be some way of getting things done, where I will be able to afford my medication, or the tires for the car or the new muffler.. that I will be able to sleep though the night without terror dreams or sweating out the screams that cannot be suppressed in the dark..

Damn all Humanity if this is all that they have to offer to people with HIV, I am sure they are worse at it with people with other things, except cancer of course.. there is no way any disease can compete against cancer.. don’t get me wrong I hate cancer.. I have lung cancer at the moment as a side effect of HIV but the hell with that.. until I die, what is it going to do.. how fucking long can disability carry on with the shit that they messed up with in the first place.. how long am I suppose to raise a family on 350$ a month? How long can I go on this way? guess you should place your to you all…