A little trip up the hill

So I fell yesterday in the parking lot of the gas station.. great move I know.. just what I need to be bleeding in public.. I broke a couple ribs and have bruises on everything else with swelling keeping it all company. It was only 2 pm, I had a lot of stuff to do still.. but could barely walk.. so thee was no diner made, because who is going to make it but me? I am so tired.. My chest hurts but, I don’t want to worry my PA and my HIV doc is like yup thanks for telling me, go see your PA.
I go to church, believe that God/Heaven is there.. I wrote a note to a church member who is a member of a prayer group and explained my situation about how we were going to be 500$ short for the month and that is with two daughters working three pt jobs.. that my breathing is getting worse in this heat they say it will get better but breathing with injuried lungs is hard enough. Anyway, I stated in bold big letters that I didn’t want his assistance with money but, that where a group of people who are gathered in Heavens name then their prayers are loud.. that is what I wished to ask him, also in big letters, that group of Knights of Columbus should be able to get a short prayer out for the dying mother of five kids and one grandkid… just one, then like the move said “When all hope is gone help will come from above in the shape of a donkey!” I know I watch veggie tales.. and I believe that .. all of it.. when people gather to prayer over a person it works.. I speak to the lady that was liverless then healed most everyother day.. she informs me in bold letters that I look tired.. and I am tired.. sore and can’t remember day to day crap but I know that with the right support and medication and all that crap this could be better.. the question is how to do all that when I can barely walk..

open for suggestions.. and #iloveGuam… don’t bomb people, it’s rude and terrorist event.. and as always, feel free to send donations.. not just money but silverware, bandaids, stuff people don’t think about.. dishwasher soap.. Is there anyone out there?


written permission

I promised my PA that I would not kill myself unless I saw her first.. great.. so I am keeping myself busy, wondering what is wrong with all these people. I am a bit tired but I get a few things done. Then I can’t sleep and I have terrifying dreams that are so vivid and real that it is too much for the day. I have needs.. not even wants.. just needs..basic needs.. clothes for the kids, lunch for the kids, bus passes, clothes that might fit and two pairs of sneakers for PE classes.. I am ready for good things to start happening.. Where is that HIV positive Black Man that is looking for love? who doesn’t want to die alone? what is the hold up??? People are not suppose to burden the load alone. I just released that the memory I have about the meetings at the library and the conversations had and friends made, and so forth like a five year memory of work done and things succeeded was just a dream.. none of it was real.. Five years of what had been a productive period of my life is 1)gone and 2) not real.. I want something real i can touch and hold on to.. It is hard when you can no longer remember what is a real memory and what is just HIV eating up parts of your brain and leaving poop in the place.. I may not be able to wait till I get written permission..

If I killed myself.. and then it got better

Wouldn’t that suck!! But there is not much hope of that here at the present, I am so low it is not even something I can laugh at. Doctors are a waste of time. Half of them say opiods are no good only make things worse but they don’t live with the pain. Just do some yoga or some swimming, you know what you need… A Good Nights’ Sleep!!! Holy Mother of God and the Damn Donkey… If I could but only sleep.. lets see people.. I have been taking the damn medicine for over two years.. and I don’t sleep well! Sometimes never that evening! Its’ been a week and I am so tired.. slip sliding away..
I want to hang on to say that next month will be better! Next month there will be some way of getting things done, where I will be able to afford my medication, or the tires for the car or the new muffler.. that I will be able to sleep though the night without terror dreams or sweating out the screams that cannot be suppressed in the dark..

Damn all Humanity if this is all that they have to offer to people with HIV, I am sure they are worse at it with people with other things, except cancer of course.. there is no way any disease can compete against cancer.. don’t get me wrong I hate cancer.. I have lung cancer at the moment as a side effect of HIV but the hell with that.. until I die, what is it going to do.. how fucking long can disability carry on with the shit that they messed up with in the first place.. how long am I suppose to raise a family on 350$ a month? How long can I go on this way? guess you should place your bets..love to you all…

Still has not rained..

The ground is dry as peoples hearts in my area of the world. My memory is going and I cannot remember things that happened in the past or when they were discussed in the present. Difficult as I may need to find a job if Disability cannot find it in their wisdom to find on my behalf.. funny to be the nurse on oxy and benzos, taking care of your loved ones.

am tired heaven, and it is a long road were people who just have HIV are not special unless you’re Mr. Sheen and i dont mean special like hey what a great idea.. i mean sick enough or having enough problems living to be considered worth the time or trouble..did I say that the chiropractor I went to see said that HIV was curable now?.. guess nobody decided to fucking tell me..my muscles are wasting away and the nutritionist said that I needed 135-200 grams of protein a day to keep the muscle mass i have, well if I had the moment to figure out how to do that along with everything else in the world I guess I would be better off.. my therapist wanted to know when I was going to write my book.. My life with Sucky AIDS Care.. bound to be a best seller.. I am tired and finding enough to eat to take the medication is a problem in itself.. now I am too tired to do the dishes, it is just past seven and I am going to bed.. God help me.. if not me help my children for I am doing all I can and feel like I am sinking.. and nobody is going to build a monument to HIV.. they build gardens of peace.. and a giant quilt that will not keep the nation warm.. or caring, or even in the know..
waiting on the rain.. love everyone..

It has not rained..

It is a Tuesday in my life, it is an odd week as the house is devoid of females. The daughters are at camps or working afar off for hope and history. It has not rained yet. There has been some good news in my little world but, I hesitate to think that it might work out. Disability is working on my case, gathering information but it could still take till October or they may make a decision again without all the information like they did the last time. I am working on keeping good thoughts towards them. Then the department of education contacted me to say I over paid a loan.. imagine but that it will take forty-five days – longer then Jesus wondered in the desert mind you – to figure out if it was indeed true and than another fourteen days to send a check. Well that is sometime in September. But again I am frightened to think that good things could be happening at this moment. I just got put on thirty milligrams of Morphine, how much better could that get. I am spinning in a void of health insurance loss, no money coming in for at least a month probably longer, the damn vacuum cleaner broke and I have no diapers for the worlds most lovely grandchild whose father disowned her yesterday so he could dip his stuff in a new pond, and that female does not want anything to do with a step child. The choices he made that day will over shadow his life for decades. Even the less amount of involvement would be better for the two of them then none but, now there is nothing and as an older person I understand the rash decisions youth make and can see the dark shadows he will face and I am sad for him. In the meantime, I have great joy for all my children and little baby ones too. I am not dead because of them, though I have come close. GOD I NEED ASSISTANCE PLEASE! School starts and I am unprepared for all of that and the crap that goes with it. The racism that is a part of our lives as an interracial family in a rural white town, topped with a parent with HIV.. there is just too much to handle sometimes.. I went to a different chiropractor the other day here in town and informed him of my HIV, which I hate to do because then people treat you like shit but he has acupuncture and I wanted to give it a go.. he was in shock.. said he had known three males before but that I was the first female and that now they had medicines that could cure that and that acupuncture only provide temp relief from pain.. CURE THAT NOW, really and I missed that update! and so I am not sure if I am welcome at this store any longer.. funny really, my all the time long term chiropractor hasn’t spoken to me in weeks and all I asked him to do was to pray for me. Guess there is not enough love in the world.. thank you Don Henley.. I have to go now, I need to be watched to see if 30 milligrams is too much, funny how doctors work.. when nobody is left to care..

When will the rain come for us all

It is a hot day here, no rain in site, drought for the state and my house. I had a filter on the facet but it broke so i have to use bottle water distilled until I can afford a new one. Safety first, do you know what is in the water around here? Gezz. the rain is not coming right now. I repaired my childs’ shoes yesterday with gorilla tape so now they are all silver and water proof and not broken.

I am so tired world.. tired, frustrated, alone, in pain, can’t breathe, can’t breathe right, can’t remember stuff.. and so sleepy.. really people i am tired of not being able to provide for my family. To be working on caring for the younger ones, and getting the bills paid somehow, while the oldest ones think I am going to die any moment now. It is so hard to convenience them that I am not going to die when I can’t even walk around the pool because that mass is taking up too much space.Tired people of just not being a part of their life.. just that bit that they feel that they have to get away from as soon as possible, that is what is currently happening at my house.. my oldest daughter left, and has not been back for month for she was at the doctor’s appointment when my pain medication was in need of changing and because I know what I need and am not an addict and their hands are tied, they could do nothing for me but send me to a pain clinic. I wept hard, so hard that I said I wanted to die.. because uncontrollable pain besides making your blood pressure go up, it is a battle of control over weather you can smile that day and it was not a smiling day…

The second daughter leaves right after work and goes to a friends house to watch Netflix and even when she tries to get home earlier it is three am when the door opens and shuts. And who could blame here, working two jobs and they just hired a new person who we all know and understand not to be qualified and are paying her three dollars more then my daughter and five cents more the the women who has a degree where she does not!! She works so hard to bring her part time paycheck from an entry level job that she has worked at for five years into this house and it is not enough. So she is running away from her family, mostly from me, because i must disappoint her something awful. Just something awful.. she yelled at me today as she was frustrated.. I need to go to the store and get apples and tea, she didn’t want to watch the baby so she is staying at work till we get home and then she will bring the baby home and she will leave.

The third daughter has camp for four weeks, she is here for the evening for the first two weeks but the second two weeks it is on campus away.. she doesn’t want to be the mom of the baby for these two weeks, she wants to be a kid. It is not her fault that her sister has a heart problem and can’t take care of the baby at present and she is also afraid that I will die. and who knows.. maybe I will.. but it is not on my mind at the moment or in my plan..

I just want the opportunity to work and provide for my family and the right was taken away from me by a terrorist! He knew he had HIV, and he is not from America so he knew I would get sick and loose everything. That Terrorist is the one who should be sitting in a jail cell somewhere not me sitting in my house that is like a jail now..

I JUST WANT TO GET MY KIDS THE THINGS THEY NEED, PAY THE LIGHT BILL WITHOUT THEM STRESSING, GET NEW TIRES SO THE CAR DOESN’T KILL ALL OF US.. doesn’t sound like much.. some people want food, we could use that too, some people just want a place to stay.. and I get that too.. I just want the rain to come for us all!!! Nobody understands when you are in pain so bad that it hurts to walk. Nobody understands how a little assistance could keep my family from running away in different directions.. that would kill me for real.. let it rain blessings upon all our houses.. and if those blessings could be in the form of tp or money that would be exciting too, please.. help me

Still there seems like no way …

to survive. How am I to do this? The pain is getting worse, I have to go to the pain clinic and I am having troubles walking, standing etc.. way worse then in the beginning. Now I worry about dying because my government doesn’t care about health care for all, but I can’t move so good. I don’t know why.. my children need me, my boys the baby, the girls.. it seems that I keep working on making a way and I keep getting stuck.. poverty and disease are rotten working tools. I miss so much of my kids lives. I didn’t get to go to see the fireworks with the kids, I missed that so much, it is the one holiday I enjoy a year and now it is gone, again. I am tired. I keep working on making a way and I get knocked down again. Facebook shows stores about Angelia Jo and being bullyed and dropping out of school and cutting herself.. then she got a movie or three hundred and now she adopt kids to never self harm again. My daughter asked me the other day about a village raising a child, well that only works if the village wants to or likes children or the person having the child, so you need a village or you need funding. I don’t have a village, Charlie Sheen has not stepped up with a house and a small start up fund for a little farm, at least not yet. So I am going to go to bed and hopefully wake up tomorrow and keep working along to find that way.. because the grave is not our goal, from dust though art to dust returnest was not spoken of the soul

Just a sad day…

In therapy there is a treatment for PTSD where flashing lights, beeping in your ears, and buzzing in your hands happens as you focus on an imagine that is a trigger for your PTSD. So yesterday was my first time, work and such as we know it is a funny thing where your brain is concerned. So I focused on an imagine that scares the hell out of me.. and think about how this trigger can never hurt me again. But how does that work? Buzz buzz beep beep.. I find myself running and looking for places to hide in my mind from this man who is trying his level best to kill me. I look to see if I can protect my children or my grandchild, just then the therapist asked me what does that women need how is she using her power? What power? The women in my mind beep beep beep buzz buzz is me and I do not have the resources to protect myself or my family from this man or from this disease that he knowingly gave me that is killing me, and killing my family. I moved, I changed my phone number, I changed my Facebook and locked it to outside people, changed my email, blocked whatever email he was using, wrote a letter to Homeland Security who never wrote me back, thank you government department but, BUT, even still I have received mail at my new address for him, people call me looking for him at my new number, text messages, international calls that are always hang ups. I do not have the power or the resources to keep me safe or to keep my family safe. When will that become understandable by the masses? Or am I doomed to be another stat when he finally catches up with me? Don’t get me wrong, I work really hard to keep safe and I believe that I have power to lock the door. But we all know that a restraining order is just a piece of paper that is left bloody on the floor, especially in a male dominated police small town rural town. I really need to move. Start over again in a place where nobody would know him and that would be something. Because if he is seen as a stranger then it is much less likely that he would succeed in killing me. BUT again buzz buzz beep beep flash flash.. to move a person needs resources or an established underground railroad of a type. Heaven Help Me please!!
I don’t want to die here. Help my children survive this crazy man who is working so hard to get back to this town to kill me… a lot quicker this time then just infecting me with HIV.. beep beep buzz buzz..

It’s that time of the day…

Five- thirty rolls around and I am tired.. I should be doing something but it is less warm here then it is most anyplace else. I was reading some of the sites of other bloggers that follow mine and one said.. thank you to all you read this and share it keeps me going.. and that is true.. when I started this blog, nobody read it. All alone in the world, all alone in my dire straights, all alone in life and ready to be done.. but now five people follow me and so it is like they check in on me.. They all seem much happier then I and I am grateful for that so that one day I might get there.. but for tonight I wish there was money to pay the bills, and to buy food, and to get toilet paper, and that someone, somewhere would say to me, it is alright, I love you .. even if just for today… just for today…

Then I went to therapy…

There is this treatment called EDRA or something close to that.. that the VA trains all their therapists in.. so my therapist is also so trained. I watched a movie and she read me the little blip that has to be read and the premise that that you think of a picture in your mind, a trigger of sorts, and focus on that while these lights, sounds buzzing etc goes off all around you. This is to cause your brain that can shut down during a traumatic event to reprocess the event and let it go… Magic.. right.. I don’t know, we haven’t started yet but people on the tape were like yeah now I can be happy.. after seven years of blowing up my best friend in the army… or whatever.. it seems to have promise. So she asked me about a trigger and I said the first one, that is right- there are always more then one, the first one was the car that he drove. I wanted to be able to see that car and not have any new feelings about it.. seems simple enough. But therapy, never that easy, then she asked me what I feel when I see that car… well SHIT what do you think I feel.. I feel like he is coming after me.. like he is coming to get me, like all this crap I have to deal with that he caused is just something that he knows I deserve for some reason and he is coming to kill me, finish me off.. as the disease and a slow and painful death wasn’t enough. Well isn’t that enough to make you all weep in the therapist office. The truth is that I don’t think I am worth the time to survive. For some reason and logically as a healthcare provider I understand this at some level, that this is not my fault. But on every other level, I don’t believe that! I did everything I was suppose to do, brave and honest, thought I was in a relationship with just one guy, clean blood tests, building a house and a future. Four years later, he disappears, his wife in Maryland is trying to divorce him since he disappeared four years earlier and the women who just had a baby with him is looking at me like I am nutty, had the nerve to ask me if we were swingers! Which I am sure is a lovely thing for people who choose to do that but, I was living an apparent lie. And for that lie I am not stricken with the worse there is to be stricken with, all my money stolen and gone out of the country, no house, and a list of people who call looking for him because I the phone number he left for all the others. I wondered about that for a moment.. was that like a to taunt me? Or did he think I was going to be able to assist all the people who called to say they are now facing the same lie I was living? I don’t know but I changed my phone number after the fourth male came to me to talk about where his lover was. It is hard enough to find out that the man you are living with has a girlfriend but to find out that he has lots of one night and sometime longer nights stands with men and you begin to wonder what worth do you really have. I admitted to my therapist that there were days when I wanted to go to the nearest city and just disappear on the streets, live on the streets until it kills me because why not? This is not helping. I am stuck in the middle of dying and working really hard not to be dying. And we have all learned that people don’t care about people with HIV because if they did I would have a job or someone would have funded that young lady who just wanted to make a difference in her community. Now the federal government is coming after us. I am not the only person with HIV on medicaid. When the federal government allows the states to deny coverage to poor disable pre-existing conditions what do they think will happen? When we are no longer on our medication that keep us alive but also unable to pass the virus on to others.. what do they think is going to happen? Does the Republican Senate think we are going to just go silently into that good night? I doubt other people will see it that way.. you sign the death warrant for so many people you will create a threat. What is a person that has no hope left but, a threat.. a threat caused by a community, government or President that didn’t have the thought or time to care about anyone but the wealthy few.. This will cause a return of the epidemic and not by innocent unknowing but by the few knowing and cunning enough to get close to those in the government to wipe they out, slowly with the same disease they caused to explode by limiting funding for a cure and cutting others dead by denying them insurance. Heaven Help Us All