Then I went to therapy…

There is this treatment called EDRA or something close to that.. that the VA trains all their therapists in.. so my therapist is also so trained. I watched a movie and she read me the little blip that has to be read and the premise that that you think of a picture in your mind, a trigger of sorts, and focus on that while these lights, sounds buzzing etc goes off all around you. This is to cause your brain that can shut down during a traumatic event to reprocess the event and let it go… Magic.. right.. I don’t know, we haven’t started yet but people on the tape were like yeah now I can be happy.. after seven years of blowing up my best friend in the army… or whatever.. it seems to have promise. So she asked me about a trigger and I said the first one, that is right- there are always more then one, the first one was the car that he drove. I wanted to be able to see that car and not have any new feelings about it.. seems simple enough. But therapy, never that easy, then she asked me what I feel when I see that car… well SHIT what do you think I feel.. I feel like he is coming after me.. like he is coming to get me, like all this crap I have to deal with that he caused is just something that he knows I deserve for some reason and he is coming to kill me, finish me off.. as the disease and a slow and painful death wasn’t enough. Well isn’t that enough to make you all weep in the therapist office. The truth is that I don’t think I am worth the time to survive. For some reason and logically as a healthcare provider I understand this at some level, that this is not my fault. But on every other level, I don’t believe that! I did everything I was suppose to do, brave and honest, thought I was in a relationship with just one guy, clean blood tests, building a house and a future. Four years later, he disappears, his wife in Maryland is trying to divorce him since he disappeared four years earlier and the women who just had a baby with him is looking at me like I am nutty, had the nerve to ask me if we were swingers! Which I am sure is a lovely thing for people who choose to do that but, I was living an apparent lie. And for that lie I am not stricken with the worse there is to be stricken with, all my money stolen and gone out of the country, no house, and a list of people who call looking for him because I the phone number he left for all the others. I wondered about that for a moment.. was that like a to taunt me? Or did he think I was going to be able to assist all the people who called to say they are now facing the same lie I was living? I don’t know but I changed my phone number after the fourth male came to me to talk about where his lover was. It is hard enough to find out that the man you are living with has a girlfriend but to find out that he has lots of one night and sometime longer nights stands with men and you begin to wonder what worth do you really have. I admitted to my therapist that there were days when I wanted to go to the nearest city and just disappear on the streets, live on the streets until it kills me because why not? This is not helping. I am stuck in the middle of dying and working really hard not to be dying. And we have all learned that people don’t care about people with HIV because if they did I would have a job or someone would have funded that young lady who just wanted to make a difference in her community. Now the federal government is coming after us. I am not the only person with HIV on medicaid. When the federal government allows the states to deny coverage to poor disable pre-existing conditions what do they think will happen? When we are no longer on our medication that keep us alive but also unable to pass the virus on to others.. what do they think is going to happen? Does the Republican Senate think we are going to just go silently into that good night? I doubt other people will see it that way.. you sign the death warrant for so many people you will create a threat. What is a person that has no hope left but, a threat.. a threat caused by a community, government or President that didn’t have the thought or time to care about anyone but the wealthy few.. This will cause a return of the epidemic and not by innocent unknowing but by the few knowing and cunning enough to get close to those in the government to wipe they out, slowly with the same disease they caused to explode by limiting funding for a cure and cutting others dead by denying them insurance. Heaven Help Us All

That young lady….

Zadya’s mission has a post office box…. send all donations and they don’t have to be money, you can send bathroom tissue, walmart cards, Hy-vee cards, prepaid gift cards, anything is helpful to this young women working on making a difference which is more then most can say.. Let us show her that she can still have a vision and that the world cares.. at such a young age, all our high schoolers should know that the community cares. p.o. box 457, Vermillion SD 57069 spread the word…

Yesterday.. I died..

Yesterday was the last day in five day row that I was to see doctors.. so many damn doctors.. one after the other all taking scans, blood, very sorry that it is in a difficult place to get too, too dangerous to your heart, blah blah blah.. finally come to the last doctor and I have been has helpful as an outlook as I could be but I am tired.. HIV is under control but not really, the inflammation rates high, your liver function this your kidneys are doing this, there is nothing to do for the pooper concerns.. the masses are there, the damage is there okay whatever.. there is pain and I have been working with all these doctors who don’t have any special training in HIV so I print out packages and circle the things that they should look at and try to educate as we go along.. and still I am treated like a child. None of these people understand what is going on or the pain that is increasing.. my house is a split level but the land lord wont bring the windows up to code so we cannot use the one bedroom upstairs so I had to move downstairs.. more stairs to go up and down.. not helping with the pain aspect.. I did the research the difference between what I am on and the difference with what I should be on and it is just too much.. It is a miserable day when you cannot get the care you need because nobody cares enough to listen.. now I am very disappointed.. I have a life to lead but how am I suppose to do that with uncontrolled pain? Which in turn causes my blood pressure to rise to dangerous levels, which then puts all that I have tried to do right and educate people.. just don’t care.. they just don’t care about me.. add them to the list.. add the damage to the toll.. I am doomed to this disease.. there is no joy left and now I have uncontrolled pain to go with it.. yeah..


This young lady is trying to raise money for her county to provide for the 27 people who need assistance paying their electric bills, getting shoes for their kids, affording the co-payments for their medications..

Another day..

This disease does not give up. It just keeps picking away at the body and causing pain and problems. It is so difficult to find things that make sense in the world and this is not one of them.. If I see another Charlie Sheen write up about how his coming out has increased the number of people who are getting tested but what the hell!!! They are most likely all the people that he slept with! I really really really want people to understand that the poor of us who struggle with this disease are forgotten, left to despair, and rot. It is not fair.. long term survivors are living their lives not having to deal with the idea that they will live, people who are just now finding out that they are positive are told that they will not die early just take this pill and all will be fine.. but the medication kills the people too, and the access to the health care is under attack by the healthcare reform that is looking at killing at least 25,000 people.. real people, me, friends – actors that are well known, dancers.. only those among us that are poor will risk death. When we can no longer receive our medication due to lack of insurance that will kill us off easy.. but what people need to understand is that the easy way to make people into terrorists is to push them off the edge with threatening such things and then what.. there will be more cases and when will people see.. How many deaths does it take till he knows that too many people have died… I do not want to be blowing in the wind… CHARLIE SHEEN SEND MONEY!!! repent.. repent.. or at the very least assist me in building a safe place where others can come and be safe.. Donate, send money, don’t let the poor struggling among us to turn to dust.. for we will take many more with us!!

The struggle is truly on!

Not sure how long people think that a person can survive without any income, friends, support, or someone to say their name, or hug them. Today I got my blood drawn and I didn’t even feel it. That is how long that vein has been cut open to bleed that it no longer has any feeling left to give. There is so much waste in the world – one episode of most any show can show you that! The Bachelor or the Bachelorette are good examples of so much money.. and there are parties all around the area where people come to drink wine and place bets on who will be the first to act a fool. I wish there was so much attention paid towards poverty, and in my case the need for HIV support, good schools that are not awful, and music programs that all kids could play in.. I am so tired of being so worried about what is going to happen next, that I am just tired.. When my legs stop working because the joint pain is just causing swelling and it wont move any more I am not sure what there is to do. I want to say that I trust that heaven got me this far that it will be alright but, this week I broke four toes and I am ill with cough and fevers along with the night sweats. I am just tired of not knowing.. and I am not going to be cured. Charlie Sheen maybe able to get into a trail based weekly gig but those of use that are POOR are way on the other end of the scale. Still standing in line with out futures cut short and no funding for anything. If the government passes the healthcare reform act then so many of us will die, horrible deaths, painful ones. The government must know that this is not the way to fix a problem, this is just a way to create a different one. This is how you radicalize a person.. you take away all their hope and threaten their lives by denying treatment, left to have their children watch them die.. who did the radicalizing then? True government tends to the needs of the people, not the golfing fees of the few. I have golfed most often maybe three times and always for charity. I cannot even imagine going golfing 22 times in just the 20 weeks of being in office. I remember when I was working it would take an act of heaven to get three days off in a row, much less have any money to go anywhere. It was purely for washing dishes, scrubs, and catching up with the kids and sleep. Heaven give me please the opportunity to support the lifestyle where I could go golfing and I would show the world what a leader is suppose to really do. I am dying over here. Literally and figuratively and without some serious support and inflow of cash and safety concerns, it will be an unpleasant death to have to bare and for my children to have to watch. Think about it people, what do you think happens to those who test + for HIV? Now that nobody is talking about the threat of AIDS, unless you are a black male having sex with a black male in the south.. we are here, and we are scared and we are not ready or willing to die, especially without a fight! And it will be a nasty fight that will bring AIDS back into the living rooms of America. For if a nation disowns their own people over profits then the people will comes the revolution..

Going to die!! This is not helping..

This link is to a story from today’s headlines that speaks to reasons why having HIV is so dangerous. There are many people in the world and so many are in dire straights and if I could I would assist everyone. Right now I need the assistance!!! And I am not a millionaire, I cannot even get my disability straighten out due to the stealing of my identity. So I am a nurse, I have the training to be a nurse but I cannot practice patient care as a nurse, just read the article!! That makes it very clear. If I get stuck by a needle or bit by a patient then I could be charged with not disclosure of my status and causing others to be put in harms way!!! DAMN IT!!! I need to be able to provide for my family.. we need a house of our own!! I need to be able to at least provide them with that security of having a place to come home to. But how the hell am I suppose to do that!!! I need some solutions to the situation and I need them to be out of the box and well funded!!!! Like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs I need to be able to provide that first of basic needs for my kids… a safe, sturdy, clean, house that is not a fire trap or a bug/rodent problem.. where there is a back yard my deaf child will not get run over because they can only play in the front yard.. OMG, ANYONE OUT THERE!!! I am so messed up and it needs to stop. I can’t practice my profession, NOBODY cares about HIV anymore because unless you are arrested for giving it to someone else nobody sees it in the news! Nobody gives money to the families struggle to make the electric bill. IF my landlord finds out that I have HIV, he will evict me and my whole family.. six kids of varies ages.. homeless. oh you think that is illegal but you don’t live in the wild of the west where we do. And since nobody things that raising money for kids dealing with HIV in their families so that they can have Christmas presents of go to summer camp or even get a pool pass is worth the time, I am better off dead! And I am sure there are many radicalized white alt right, whatever they care calling them selves that would be all to happy to put a bullet in my brain. From far away so they didn’t get touched by the ‘dangerous’ splatter. THIS IS NOT JUST YOUR WALK IN THE WOODS! THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH, my life and death. That young lady of just 15, she tried again this past weekend to raise money at a Pride Day event in Sioux City Iowa, she travels.. she is so heart broken that not even at a Pride Day even could she raise money by selling flowers, or raffling off a painting, or anything! But, still she is determined to make a way!! I don’t know how? But she is determined and I hope she does for her county and then maybe wider. I have given a great many things a great deal of thought.. now I need the assistance of many to make it through!! Just someone assist my family please..

The stranger in the crowd

Yesterday the young lady that is working so hard to make a difference in the lives of folks with HIV+ in her county worked a Pride Fair in the town south of here that is bigger then ours by three or four times.. So she did all this work and painting raffle, selling water, flowers, making things be known.. But it is funny how nobody wants to be known with the HIV. There are plenty of gay people about and a drag show and such and so forth and free HIV testing which saw some movement but, nobody needed anything thing and there was not any thought for people like me. The first ID doctor I had said that there was nothing to worry about, the people in Ryan White would pay the bill for the medicine and I would be okay, just take the medicine. And that was all he thought I needed to know. So now I am alone. Not a person to be found.. it was very depressing to be the ONE with the red letter H that is not hydrogen and not a person seemed to care. Nobody speaks about it, nobody is listening to those of us who are speaking about it.. I am in such pain today.. and yesterday was worse.. there is just nothing I can do.. and that is where I get frustrated for there should be something I could do.. but what..

Shout out to Ramadhan!

it’s has been a rough three years coming up, there are people in my family studying to be a part of the Islamic faith and we are praying for them in their studies. We are so rural we have to rely on Webanars and such to learn, it is like Sunday school but on Saturday and on the computer. Mercy and grace guide us all of our days.. but that doesn’t fix this problem.. HIV is not going to go away, and with cuts that dip into the 60 million range for care of just the Ryan While funding, that is how you radicalize a person. Medical Coverage would be cut for so many on medicaid, and many people living with HIV and other hard core diseases are on Medicaid. The 850% increase for the elderly between 50 – 65 years of age is out of the mind kind of stupid. That type of increase would raise the medication I take from 2400$ to over a million for one month of pills. Pills to keep me alive and not able to infect anyone else. I have never been so embarrassed to be a part of this country then I am now. It is not about politics when parties play with millions of business deals and peoples lives. It is about privilege and capitalism. How much money can you get out of the dying ones, since smoking is killing off like it used too, lets turn the clock back and watch the HIV ones start to die off. That sounds like fun! Stop being a bunch of crazy ass mostly white privileged males with criminal records and or ethical violations and start BEING THE PEOPLE THAT YOU WERE ELECTED TO BE – FOR THE BETTER SERVICE OF THE PEOPLE – health care is not a privilege it is a right, start there, a female should not have to worry about attacks on her body from the public as well as her government – I feel hats will nice stylish hat pins coming back into fashion – children should not be hungry in their beds at night, Companies should not be raping our country for coal, minerals and oil they should be paying for the clean up of super fund sites and launching windmill sites, solar power and hydroponics. Nobody should ever be in danger when they report to work, not by the company they work for or from the people they know. I was physically attacked at work once and the company fired me for not answering the phones in a timely fashion. If any senator looking at this healthcare bill wants to know how a person gets radicalized in America now, all the white ones that are all over the news but are never labeled as Terrorists.. I would be happy to explain it to them. If they pass a health care bill that leaves more then 25 million without health care options I am sure the 20 – 30% of that number that will die would have no problem explaining it to both houses.
I still need an idea to support my family.. I need Mr. Charlie Sheen to stop acting like he had a good idea when he came out as HIV+ since rates of testing have gone up and man up to the idea that it was all the people he slept with that were afraid that were getting tested!! I have kids, I have bills, I have the right to be treated as a human a real person with value and insight!! Not dropped off the side of the road as a bump and kept alive barely with meds so toxic that they are killing me! Mr. Charlie Sheen my mother liked you, god rest her soul, now do something for her and cough up some money so we can start a good support group in my rural area of the world!! Ten million in bribes and you can’t find your way to come up with even a quarter of that to fund the needs of the people living with HIV that you belittled and jump the q for phase testing.. how does it feel to be on once a week shots? There are two ends to this line, the really well off and the poor and if American wants to see how we can truly assist each other with mercy and with faith, this is a good time – reach down out of your chrome covered castle and assist the poor Charlie!! Do it for my Mom, do it for Ramadhan, do it for the folks in my area that need basic coverage of things like potty paper and light bulbs, do it for the young lady starting the fund as a high school not for profit..where only a few donated you can make the fund flow over!!! They say nobody dies anymore from HIV/AIDs, but it is not true.. they just don’t want for the disease anymore, once you have been isolated and ignored and people are scared of you and your family, that is when people start killing themselves. It may not be from an opportunist infection as defined by some but I believe suicide caused by HIV stigma, isolation, side effect sickness, is indeed an opportunist infection. One that I or the folks that I know, are not immune too either – make a difference..

a dark day…

It will be two years since I applied for social security..six months since I found out that they thought I was dead.. could be another six months before the hearing where I can say that I am not dead… but what about now.. WHAT ABOUT NOW!!!! We are five hundred dollars short this month.. five dollars is a bunch when you have no money but FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.. that is on the range of the only way that money is coming in is through the sex trade.. and I am not allowed.. so I checked into writing books, but the only thing I can think of is erotic and it takes six months to get anything answered. It is not like we are sitting around eating sushi and eating bon bons. Maybe sushi from the grocery store but really.. I have saved and scrimp, and laffy taffy pulled the last dollar as far as it will go.. DAMN IT!!! It doesn’t end.. and not just with me.. i feel stressed then my children are like I am never going to succeed none of my friends like me, I am never going to get through collage, high school, middle school, the people in the show choir call me slave jokes for being in crew.. it is hard enough to keep the group going ion the same direction it would be helpful if that direction was not self deprecating and suicidal. Laugh if you will but I am going to go ask a good man to pray for us. Perhaps if more people prayed, more people would be heart felt lead to drop off potty paper at our front door! My God sex trade is an option but really? Can’t even afford the live webcam or computer for someone to pay to watch me what sleep naked??? All my life.. I have served other people..I pray for Yemen.. lets hope they still exist in a few months… along with my house